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BLAH,
BLAH, BLAH BLOG
Archive 2005
Sunday Dec 25th 2005: Christmas was nice. The boys are happy with what they got them. I got a watch from one son that says Dad. It makes me cry. The other son gave me a PC game called Codename Panzers.
Sat Dec
24th 2005: Xmas Eve at moms house Nothing much else to note. I am spending the night at
Jeannie and the boy’s. I will sleep in one of the boys beds and they will
sleep in their moms bed
Thursday Dec
22nd 2005: I increased my herbal hormones today to 8 Evanesce and 6
Feminol for the day
Wednesday
Dec 21st 2005: I ordered hormone’s off of Inhousepharmacy.com today. I
went with patches. I should get them in 7 to 14 days
Monday Dec
19th 2005: Today is
Beth's
Friday
Dec 9th 2005: I am moving into my new
place today and getting out of my moms/ It’s a very nice 2 bedroom apartment
almost 1300 square feel with a garage.
Sunday Dec
4th 2005: Jeannie told me she loved me today and then gave me a kiss on the lips. She was
very huggable today. I was beginning to wonder about her loving me because I
cannot remember the last time she told me this. I dressed in the outfit I am
going to were to Beth’s on Thursday. I will wear a long black denim flounce
skirt, a floral puffy sleeve top and my black boots. I plan on wearing some hoop
earrings attached to another set of hoop earrings.
Friday Dec
2nd 2005: Teri K from work and I went out and talked. She asked me a few questions on
voice and hormones. I had a good time talking to her. She is very supportive and
told me to stop defending myself. She told me to tell people that harp, that I am
tuning them out like a TV with no volume. After I went home I dressed in a denim
mini and a maroon spaghetti strap fluttery sleeve shirt and some black high top
boots. I went to shots. I didn’t get to Shots until about 12:30. While walking
in some guy started yelling at me about me being a “Guy” and the way he
could tell was my large calves. I ignored him even though I felt like telling
him off. I felt like saying “And you know this because your small penis is
telling you that” or something along that lines. When I got inside Sabrina
from group was there. It was nice knowing someone at the bar. We played a game
of pool. She asked if I wanted to go to
Thursday Dec
1st 2005: I have upped my dosage of Feminol today to 4 capsules per day.
Two in the morning, two at night after supper.
Wednesday
Nov 30th 2005: I have upped my dosage of Evanesce to 6 capsules per day.
Three in the morning, three at night after supper
Tuesday Nov
29th 2005: I received my order of herbal hormones today. Two bottles of
Evanesce of 90 capsules each and two bottles of Feminol of 60 capsules each. I
took 4 capsules of Evanesce and 2 capsules of Feminol. I hope this stuff works
as I have read it does. Its not as good as normal hormones but it is a start.
Monday Nov
28th 2005: I ordered some herbal hormones from the web today
Saturday Nov
26th 2005: I went out for in public tonight. I put on one of my short
black leather mini-skirts and a blue sleeveless top, a black belt and knee high
lack boots. I added black and gray eye shadow, eye liner and mascara as well as
blush, lipstick and lip liner and foundation. I think I looked pretty hot. I
went to Shots which is a gay club in Fort Collins and got myself a coke to drink. I sat at a table by my self and just watched
people. After about 30 minutes or so a group of people walked in mainly all
women all attractive. One of them Regina
sat down at my table and just started chatting to me. She was very nice. It was
her birthday and her and her friends and spouses were out celebrating it. She
asked me to dance but I didn’t feel like it at the time. I am not sure if she
read me or not. When they left she actually asked me if I wanted to go with
them. I didn’t feel this was the safe thing to do so I stayed at Shots. After
they left another woman who I think was named Robin asked to sit and chat. I
told her sure. She complemented my eyes and hit on me asking if I was into women
or men. I told her men. We talked until about 1:00 and then she went to talk to
other people. I left to go home at that time. I didn’t want the night to end.
Even though Shots was dead and boring, I loved dressing. I forgot to mention I
had to walk about 100 yards to get into Shots off of the main drag in Ft
Collins. It was scary but thrilling.
Wednesday,
November 23rd 2005:
I went to my session with Beth. I got emotional at the
start about the holidays. I mentioned that Christmas was going to be the worst.
I did say I thought about asking Jeannie if I could spend the night on Christmas
Eve so that I could be there to wake up with the boys and have Christmas with
them. We talked about my feelings and group, and me possibly joining a band. We
also chatted about HRT. Beth wants me to make a few more steps before I begin
HRT by going out in public and having more laser hair removal. She did tell me I
could start natural hormones if I so wished though. She did ask me about my
positive and negative concerns with HRT. The negative I told her the health
risks such as cancer and then the emotional effects that could make you angry
all of the time. She said hormones do not effect everyone this way. The positive
I told her the physical changes that hormones would bring like breasts
development and reshaping of the body and the emotional calming effects that
they can bring. I see her again on Dec 8th at 4:00. Our next group is
on the 19th and will be a pop-luck dress up nice Christmas party. I
plan on wearing this very cute and colorful spaghetti strap dress I have that is
part velvet and matching heels.
Tuesday, November 22nd 2005: Susan who complimented me at Halloween stopped me in the hall today. She just wanted to tell me she could not get over how beautiful I was and looked on Halloween. This made me felt so good. I had my 5th laser hair removal on my face today. It didn’t hurt as much today as it has in the past. The next session will be a regular session. The hair is almost gone. Jody is telling me I will start breaking out soon but not to worry, this is common. I went to clean with Jeannie and the boys. D2 got very upset with me about me possibly putting transition on hold for a band and why not them. I can only say that the band is short term. He still does not understand. I asked them would they be more accepting if I put things on hold for them for say two years and then transition. No one could answer this. After cleaning I took them all to Golden Corral for supper, were they were having a Captains feast which meant Fish. I though D1 would enjoy this. He only ate shrimp.
Monday November 21st 2005: We had group session today. We talked about family acceptance and friends. It was overall very good. I dressed more casual than normal. Dark jeans with a camel color crossover sweater and a really cute open from large collar sweater and brown boots with a 3” heel and a brown belt. I was supposed to have my regular session but forgot the time. I got to Beth’s dressed and then found out I was 1 hour late. Jeannie and the boys were headed to the house so I raced home and changed and cleaned up before they got to my place. After supper I left for group. I rescheduled my session for Wednesday at 2:30.
Tuesday Nov
1st 2005: I told Michelle
the STS manager today. I started off telling her I had something
to tell her and I hoped it would not effect my job at the FORT. She didn’t
have a lot to say but did not see it being an issue. All she cared about was
that I did my job and did it well, which she said I do. She also said that if
anyone says anything bad that offended me to let her know. Latter that day I was
getting a new office. There were some pieces of furniture in there that I did
not want like two filing cabinets and a credenza. Michelle sent out an email
asking if anyone wanted them. Jeff sent her an email that I had changed my mind
if they would only paint them pink. I replied back that they had to add lace to
them as well. Michelle got upset with Jeff and told him off. I told her it was
OK that I was not offended that is why I replied back. Michelle only felt that
Jeff did not need to do this because it might offend someone else.
Monday Oct
31st 2005: I got up at 5:15 am to get ready for Halloween. I shaved my body to make sure
there were no extra hairs that a female wouldn’t have and used a liquid soap
that smelled more feminine. I even used Women’s Secret peach for my deodorant.
I put on my black corset to reshape my body along with a panty butt shaper,
nylons and fishnet stockings. I also put on 2 other panties to hold Mr. Ugly in
and make it feel like I had a vagina instead of a penis. I put on a strapless
bra to hold my breast in place much better than just sticking them on with the adhesive
tape that came with them. Once I had all of my under garments including a short
form fitting shaper slip, I put on breast and then my pirate wench outfit. Once
it was on I put on my long curly wig and then my makeup in dark blues. I put on
everything, foundation, rouge, eye shadow, eyeliner, mascara, and
then powder to set it all. Once I was all done I had to admit I think it looked
good. Once I had my outfit on I put on my Granny boots which have a 3” heel.
They look so cute with the outfit. Time was running short and I needed to hurry.
I wanted long nails for the day so I put on some very nice glue on nails and
painted them a red that matched my pirate dress. The final touch was perfume. I
put on a Celion Dion perfume that I like and gathered up all of the food I was
bringing to the work pot luck. As I didn’t know if we had bowls at work for my
dish, I stopped at King Soopers and walked into the store as if I was a female.
I head a couple guys say “Hey
check that out”. As my wench outfit is kind of sexy and shows my shoulders
I felt thrilled. As I went to the spot were the store had paper plates
and bowls, there was another gentleman standing there looking. As I approached
he stepped away so that I could look. Having had men never treat me like this I
said in as soft and feminize voice as I could “Thank You” I don’t think he
read me as male but as female. The only person who I think read me as male was
the lady at the check out because she told me my feet were going to be killing me
then told me to have fun. I cannot be sure but she may not or may have read me.
Once at work I walked in with the walk of a woman (hips swaying and feet in
front of another. Erik thought at first I was Polly but as he got closer he
figured out it was me. I felt so free by dressing and acting this way. I said my morning hello’s to those on
my floor and got some teasing. When
Polly came in she was also dressed as a pirate. Erik did not dress up at all.
When Jeff came in he gave me some ribbing on my costume. He and Erik did mention
more than a couple of times how well I walked like a woman. They said I even had
the hips sway in. Most people though out the day asked how I could walk in 3”
heels. I always answered easy, I grew up in cowboy boots which was true. Polly
commented on how well I had done my make-up and that she could not do that. I
joked back that I would teach her and she said OK. Other girls I work with also
commented on how good my make-up looked. Two other comments I got, one from a
lady named Susan on how beautiful I was and looked. Another lady Janette thought
I was a female when she saw me from a distance. At the Halloween party I got 2nd
place (a little boy got 1st which is good because they should no
matter what). Last year I also got 2nd only behind a little kid again
(I was dressed as Miss Transition from MESC domain to FORT domain. I had decided
to tell CJ who is kind of like HR for the company I work for. I started chatting
with her and then asked her if she had a moment to talk. She said yes and I
closed the door and told her. At first CJ thought I was pranking her because she
gets pranked by our I.T. department a lot. When I finally convinced her I
wasn’t pulling a joke on her she was surprised but supportive. She told me if
I ever need to talk to let her know and we would. I had also wanted to tell
Michelle who is my Department leads boss and head of my department. I left her a
voice message about wanting to talk but she had left for the day. I guess it
will wait until tomorrow. I hope I have the courage to tell her then. When I went
home my mom was disgusted and I had to change to take the boys
Trick-or-Treating. They did not want to see me in my costume. It’s to bad I
really wanted to go out dressed. It makes me happier and I feel better when I do
get to dress. When I back home, I was bummed that the night was over.
Sunday Oct
30th 2005: Fighting with the boys all day, Not to mention Jeannie is
getting were she drives me crazy with her “Oh woo is me” I also told her I
am not turning back not, ever and she is deeply saddened by this news and
cry’s, She cries a lot and it makes me cry and sad. But I need to be happy.
Everyone expects me to be un-happy so that they can be happy. “GET ME A GUN, I
CANNOT LIVE AS THE OLD DELL!” I tried on my pirate wench outfit for the 2nd
time and tried different make-up’s to go with it. I am going to get up at 5:15
am on Halloween to start getting ready. I am going all out, Makeup, perfume, you
name it I’m doing it.
Saturday Oct
29th 2005: I have the boys this A.M. We went to Spirits costume shop to
look. While there I found the cutest pirate wench costume that would fit me. I
was going to go as a pirate (male) for Halloween and when I saw the pirate wench
costume I decided that NOPE I’m going as a pirate wench, I going as the real
me. The boys didn’t like me getting it and going as the pirate wench to work
but I need to do this for me.
Friday Oct 28th 2005: I had my 2nd laser hair removal today on my face. I must say that this one hurt much worse than the 1st one. Jody the lady who does my hair removal said the 1st time the settings were at 8 this time at 10. She may go to 12 and it could cause some blistering. She says she has had up to a 16 on her and that really hurts. The hairs on the jaw line are popping out nicely she says and it was covering my shirt. The hair on my upper lip and chin however are much tougher. When I look in the mirror however I can see a few spots in the chin that are gone. She says she can get more on next Friday with a 3rd touch-up. I look forward to no more hairy face!
Monday Oct
24th 2005: Today was the day we told the boys about my condition. We had a
10:30 am appointment with Jeannie and the boy’s therapist, my therapist Beth
Firestein, Jeannie, and the boys. I jump right in and told them about what I was
dealing with. I started off telling them that I was dealing with a known medical
condition all of my life, I then asked D1 how he would feel if knowing that
he loved to cook and wanted to be a cook and how he hated math, that if he had
to grow up being a math teacher, He said he would not like it and would feel bad
about it. I then asked D2 how he would feel if loving sports and being good
at them that he was forced to have to dance instead of playing sports. He too
answered that he would not like it and would feel bad about having to do it. I
then told the boys that what I was dealing with was most boys grow up feeling
like boys and girls feel like girls. That I grew up feeling like a girl even
though I was a boy. Beth added some input and the boys seemed fine like it was
no big deal. Beth then added more input to the conversation and they boys seemed
confused with the term Gender Identity Disorder. I then asked D1 what a
Trans was and he told us. I then added that this is what I was. Beth added that
I was going through changes to make myself into a woman. Both of the boys got
very emotional at this point and left for a while. Jeannie, Beth and I talked a
while Peggy (the boy’s therapist) was out talking to them. When they came back
in we talked some more. D2 said he didn’t love me at that point and I felt
totally crushed. D1 seemed confused and upset but said he still loved me. He
was worried that his kids would not have a granddad. I can feel for him on this
and I understand. I feel selfish in doing this but I cannot help my feelings.
The whole meeting lasted about 1.5 hours. W had planed on taking the boys to
lunch and to a movie after wards. D2 started to warm back up to me and told
me he loved me latter. I did explain that just because of the way I feel does
not change who I am on the inside. I will only change on the outside. D1 seems more understanding but he got emotional latter this evening. I guess Jay
talked to mom today and was hard on Jeannie. Mom set him in his place about it.
She says she will tell Jay soon if I do not.
Wednesday
Oct 19th 2005: I talked to Chris at Studio Lites today and asked if they
had sent the after pictures of the makeover. They hadn’t. Chris asked how
everything went and I told him wonderful. He told me next time he would teach me
how to do my own make-up. Jeannie and the boys were over for supper. I made home
made green chili. Everyone loves it but my mom drives me crazy telling me how to
make it and she never has. Jeannie asked a lot of questions on how getting the
makeover made me feel. I lied a little and told her OK when in reality I felt
like a million bucks. I think she knows I will transition. Work has started
teasing me about my eye brows looking like a girl and about dressing. They are
teasing but I think they know something is up with me. They know Jeannie and I
are divorcing. My boss in one of the teases said “Oh you want to dress like a
woman all the time admit it”. I said teasing back but 100% honest yes I do”!
If they only knew that my legs, chest, arms, pubic, groin and any were else are
all shaved clean.
Monday Oct
17th 2005: Today was a huge fun day for me. I had three makeovers
scheduled. Two at Glamour Shots and one at Studio Lites. The 1st
Glamour shots were at Flatirons Mall in
Friday Oct
14th 2005:
It’s been a very long time since I have wrote in the diary.
Many things have happened since the last time I wrote. Jeannie and I tried to
work things out and stay together without me transitioning. We seemed to fight
twice a week or more of the stupidest stuff; I finally had had enough and told
her I really needed to transition. She still holds hope that I will not but its
95% that I will. I started laser hair removal on my face. Jody is the lady doing
the treatment. She is so beautiful and friendly. I didn’t have that much pain
and discomfort from the treatment on my face. It will be at least two weeks she
said before I start seeing any results and I will be going back for a follow up
on the 28th of Nov. I have bought a lot of girl cloths and dress
every night when I get home. I sleep all night in a night gown. I cannot explain
hard enough how this makes me feel. I feel complete and normal doing this.
April 2005 to August 2005: I was living back at home with Jeannie and the boy's and I was doing OK, I still had strong feelings about who I was and needed to be, but I wanted to try and make the family work and to stay together as I knew what would happen if I either acted on my impulses, or lied, or was just an overly bad person as I had been. We did something almost every night and weekend as a family besides the weekend cleaning that we did to help Jeannie, which I hated but did anyway. We seemed to fight over the dumbest things every 2 days or sometimes once a week. These arguments were not fun and really started to push me into what I felt I needed to do despite the fact that I knew that it would destroy our family and my family. Some of the fights were over phone hang ups that Jeannie would get and I would get blamed for them, when I was innocent. I started to hide extra money and was caught and this caused a huge blow-up. In August I could no longer take any more and I told Jeannie that I really needed to start Hormones and to pursue the life I know I should have lived all of my life. I had not been sing Dr Beth Firestein nor had there been any group sessions to attend, with the exception of May which I did not go to as I was trying to be the person I was told I was suppose to be. After I told Jeannie this, we slept in separate beds all of the time as she slept on the couch and I slept in our bed. I moved back over to my moms in September taking my share of the furniture and all of my belongings. Once again I did not journal at all during this time. It wasn't until October 14th, I started to write in my journal again.
March to April 2005: I was living with my mom at this time but seeing Jeannie and the boys everyday. I pretty much ate and did everything with them but slept at my moms. I was trying to figure out what I was doing with my life and Jeannie was hoping I would work things out. We were in counseling with her therapist to try and work out some issues that I had besides being transsexual. I continued to see Dr Beth Firestein and did group sessions and dressed at them even though I told Jeannie I wasn't. Most of the group sessions I didn't feel quite right and was almost scared to try and be myself. In late April I told Jeannie I would try and hold these feelings in and no longer act on them and try and be who she and everyone else thought I was. I then moved back into the house and things seemed to be ok except we fought all of the time, So I guess they weren't all right. I did not do any journeling during any of this time.
Sunday Feb
27th 2005:
The weekend has been quite and nice. We have gone to see Lemony
Snicket. I love the dresses in the movie. Tuesday is my Therapist meeting. I am
looking so forward to this despite what I tell Jeannie. I still want so much to
have SRS and be a female.
Friday Feb
25 2005: Jeannie and I have had a huge fight tonight. She wants to know if I am cross
dressing. And buying women’s underwear I told her no. Part truth I haven’t
bought underwear but I did dress at my meeting. I also tell Jeannie I am a
Transsexual. This really starts the war. We have a huge argument for at least 2
hours non stop. Jeannie says she is preparing for what she knows is coming. I
would still love to leave but I must help take care of them for now since I am
the “Man of the house” and I must face up to my duty at least right now. I
sleep alone again. Every night since Oct I have stuffed my penis back behind
between my legs. At first this hurt but now it feels good. I like the way it
feels when I rube down there with no penis sticking up. I can only imagine what
my vagina will feel like when I have one not to mention breasts and sleeping in
a night gown or something sexy.
Thursday Feb
24th 2005: Jeannie has discovered my Nair. She confronts me about it and wants to know if
I want to toss it. I tell her no. She wants to know if I used it on Halloween I
told her no. She wants to know if I used it recently, I told her yes. She wants to know if just on my legs or else
were. I told her just my legs when I also did my underarms
Tuesday Feb
22nd 2005: I stopped at my moms to tell her of my support group meeting. Not much to say.
When I got home I got into trouble for being late and for talking to my mom.
Jeannie feels I tell my mom everything and her nothing. I just needed my mom to
talk to. I would really like to be out of here but I must stay to make sure
Jeannie and the boys are taken care of for the time being since Jeannie isn’t
working yet.
Monday Feb
21st 2005: I am going to my first support group meeting. I arrive at
Sunday Feb
20th 2005: Not much has been said this week, except a few discussions. Jeannie says that
if I decide to have SRS she will leave. I would like to stay together but she
feels that she would then be a lesbian. I could only hope she would want to stay
together but understand her point. She asks that if I were to have surgery would
I want to be with a man. I tell her I do not know but possibly. In truth I would
love to be with a man if I were a woman.
Friday Fed
18th 2005: I used Nair on my legs and arm pits today. I love how
silky smooth my legs feel. I can get used to this to easy. I will love to see
what they feel like with nylons on
Monday Feb
14th 2005: Today was a HELL day at home. Jeannie was very angry. She felt that I had had
a nervous break down because of my job loss over a year ago. Her sister also
thinks this. Jeannie wants to know if I want a divorce. I told her if she wanted
one I would give her one. We have had arguments before but this is the worst so far. She cannot grasp what
I want or need. I feel like I have killed her husband and in a way I have. She
wants him back and I think she is just trying to fight to keep him.
Sunday Feb
13th 2005: I had pretty much decided to tell Jeannie this evening that I was Gender
Dysphoric or in other words that I was a transsexual and wanted to have a sex
change to be a woman. I got up out of bed took my shower, got dressed and got a
glass of milk. As I was sitting reading the paper Jeannie asked if I had
something I wanted to talk about. I told her no and keep reading the paper. She
then asked what was eating at me and I told her nothing. It was quite for a bit
and she then asked me if there was something I wanted to tell her. I told her
yes and she asked what? As I sat for what seemed forever thinking about what I
was going to say, she said you want to be a woman? And I told her yes. She cried
and I cried all that day. We had many talks and many more cries. I tried to
explain to her what I was dealing with and that I was seeing a therapist and
wanted to go to a support group. She agreed and gave me a hug. I have never
cried so much in all my life. We talked when ever the boys were out of ear shot
and cried every time. Jeannie does not understand what I am going through and
want to do.
Thursday Feb
10th 2005: My 1st therapist meeting with Dr Beth. She is wonderful. She wants
to know about my life and I tell her. She wants to know if I am a transsexual
just to dress or to be female. I tell her female and she agrees that this is
what she is feeling from me telling her. Next meeting is Tue March 1st
at
Thursday Feb
3rd 2005: I have stopped at my moms today to tell her that I have Gender Dysphoria. She
does not understand this. I tell her I want to be a woman and to be her daughter
and not her son. I also tell her about my life of wanting this.
She is shocked but supportive and wants me to seek out a therapist. I
agree but cannot afford it without Jeannie knowing. Mom will pay for the 1st
visit. I feel so much better but still need to tell Jeannie someday. My mom
wants me to hold off. I agree for now. This is our secret.
Some names have been changed to protect the innocent (my kids)
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