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BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLOG

Archive 2005

Friday December 29th: It's Friday, it's 6:30 a.m. as I BLOG this out, and I am stuck at home, buried to my ass, in fresh new Colorado snow. Colorado hasn't seen this much snow in... many, many years. The past few years, you'd have thought Colorado doesn't get snow from the amount that we had gotten, but in just 2 weeks time, we are buried. I am now off until Wednesday which in it's own right TOTALLY FUCKING SUCKS! The USGS closed down for the day do to weather, Then Monday is New Years and then Tuesday is a National Day of Morning for Former President Ford. The bad thing is I could take vacation for these two days, but I have no vacation to use for it. I could borrow from my vacation from next year but I earn 4.62 hours every two weeks. I am already 9 hours in the hole and it would take 3 months to pay it all back which would be OK except for 1 fucking issue... I am out of a job come January 31st, so there is no FREAKING WAY I could pay it back. I could make up the time by next Sunday IF there were work to do. If I could talk the Sys Admins on working next Saturday and Sunday setting up racks that would be good, but I don't think that will work. Things are going to be tighter than... well many things, it sucks!

I had to go to Greeley yesterday to take a written test for a PC specialist job for the Greeley police department. The test was 4 pages hand written and had a ton of Windows 2000 and Outlook questions and some UNIX questions. The UNIX questions I had NO idea on what the answers on those were even remotely. I had called in to LB to say I would not be in, because I did not know how long my test would take, and also because of weather and not knowing what it would be like. When I got to Greeley it was dry and it took me about 45 minutes for the test (I was a few minutes late getting there and finding the right building). I went through my test and double checked everything. I felt funny being the only female there and I was the last one in and the first one out. I think I was done with the test at about 5:00 pm and headed home. I was just about out of Greeley and the weather was still holding up over there and I called back to LB saying I could be there in 20 minutes if they still needed me. They said Yes and when I got about a mile or 2 outside of Loveland, the snow was dumping hard there. I thought to myself "What a damn fool I was for saying I would be back in" I stopped at Panera Bread and picked up a bowl of Creamy Chicken and Wild Rice soup which I love as well as a piece of wheat bread and Iced tea. The young guy there asked if I was headed home with it to eat and I said "No, that I was headed to work with it and then told him I had called in initially and then changed my mind because I could be there and the weather was fine in Greeley"  He had to laugh at that.

Once in LB I slammed my soup and bread down and started to restock the store. I was there maybe an hour and the place decided to close at 7:00 do to adverse weather conditions. So it was 7:30 when three of us went home. My pick-up already had about 2 inches of fresh, very wet and heavy snow on it and I took my time getting home. The roads were covered and some were icy already. With the snow we had last week and then this, the roads and snow piles are huge and now will be gigantic. I pulled into my garage and gather up everything. As I was walking in, my neighbors, Holly and Joe were headed out. I asked if they were headed onto the roads and they said no, that they were headed out to clean the drive. I lent them my snow shovel and went in to my apartment to drink some hot chocolate and Irish cream, YUMMY! Once I had done that and talked to T in Texas, were it was warm and spring like, I but on my hiking boots and went out to shovel. Holly and Joe had been done for about 2 hours and when I got out there, there must have been 4 to 6 inches already covering everything that they had shoveled to the pavement. I think I was out there 15 minutes and they came back out to help. We shoveled until 11 pm last night and had everything cleared again. I know we are buried again, but with the snow removal that the three of us has done, it hopefully will be easier for us and no one had driven on it to pack it all down. 

So here I now sit, my head wet from a shower, sleepy as can be wanting to crawl back into bed. I think I will go take a nap, once my hair is dry. And then I will head out to shovel yet more snow. My back is feeling it this morning as I sit and type this. Lucky for me I signed up for Netflix on Wednesday and have two movies to watch. I have The Devil Wears Prada or as T heard a kid say The Devil Wears Product and Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby. I think if the roads get good, I will go see three movies this weekend, Eragon, The Pursuit of Happiness and The Holiday. Plus I think my friend Laura mentioned some of us getting together for New years Eve for supper and then hang out in Old Town Ft Collins. Since I know have an OFFICIAL photo license that says Female on it, I will feel better when carded. Not to mention I can now officially participate in Ladies night or ladies discount days... Yippy. Being female has advantages. Oh I did forget to say that my "Official License" came last Saturday... YIPPY that makes me as happy as a giddy little girl :o)

Well I think I will post this and go take some pictures of the snow damage and then go kill my back with yet more shoveling :o(

I want to wish all of you a safe Happy New Years. Do not drink and drive and if you do drink... drink responsibly. Damn I sound like a commercial. Well now back to today's regularly scheduled programs. 

PARTY ON WAYNE!

PARTY ON GARTH!

SCCHHWINGGGGGG!

Du-du-it, Du-du-it, Du-Du-Du-Du-Du-Du, Du-du-it (Cheesy Guitar sounds made by Wayne and Garth)

Wayne's World, Party Time. Excellent!

"Ok, I think I have officially gone Mental here"

ROCK ON, UP THE IRONS, and Take Hold of the Flame

Wednesday December 27th: The new year is almost upon us and another Christmas has past us by. Only 363 more shopping days until we all go deeper in dept following the over commercialized holiday called... you got it, Christmas. This Christmas was no exception and it seems that with my kids and many others, we have to buy their love by giving them the presents that they want. Well I tried my best to accommodate mine, but I know they didn't get everything they wanted from me. I have my spending limit's like many others do. In the past, my ex and I always tried to keep the price value balanced and the amount of presents to open as balanced as we could. But it never failed that we spent more than we intended. Well this year was the same for me, but I just wanted to try and make this 1st Christmas really away from me memorable. I may be wrong in doing that, but I just want my kids to see through me and see that I do love and care for them as I always have, but then again showing them (well not really) in gifts is not the best way to prove that, it just helps a little.

With the dumping of the snow on Colorado, and it looks like we are in for another dumping tonight, T came up from Denver were he lives. DIA (Denver's Imaginary Airport) was closed, and T could not fly out on Friday as originally planed. Instead he had to wait until today to get to Texas to see his family. (Damn I really miss him already and he will be back on the 2nd). I had to work at LB on Friday and was off from the USGS from Wednesday to Friday because of the snow dumping we got. T got to my place about 20 minutes before I had to head to work, so we made our hello's brief. I had him park in my garage because my pickup was loaded to the brim with snow to add weight to it. The roads were not in great shape and the parking lot at LB was horrid. Some piles of snow were over 6 feet tall and many area's just went to a big pile of snow instead of a road. 

Once out of LB I stopped to get a burrito from Chipotle's and headed home. T was relaxing on the coach all bundled up in a blanket. I ate my supper and we relaxed for a bit, then headed to bed. As usual, it was late before we actually went to sleep as we talked and enjoyed each others company. We ended up sleeping in late which was nice and then went to have a late breakfast/early lunch at Mimi's. Once done with lunch we headed to Greeley to pick-up a gift card for T's mom at Dillard's. While in the mall T picked up some nice dress slacks for himself and a pretty red wool sweater. We then headed to Hastings and looked at books. Both T and I picked up a Sci-Fi and Fantasy novel to read in our leisure. It was getting late and we then headed back home to relax for a bit and find out what time Apocalypto started. D2 called me at this time and asked if I was going to "grandma's for Christmas Eve? I said I did not know as I had not heard if I was invited or not. D2 said I was and I said well not until I hear it from grandma. I then called my mom and she said I was invited to Christmas Eve supper and that she had just been to busy to let me know. We went to the 4 pm showing and enjoyed all but the very last few minutes of the movie. I would recommend the movie with the exception of the last 5 or 10 minutes. Mel did not do his research on the fall of the Mayan empire IMHO and T's also. 

We were both feeling hungry, so I took T to a burger joint/bar called Tailgate Tommy's. The burgers there are huge and not to bad tasting. With full stomachs I took T to Woodward Governor to see their Christmas display that they put up every year. It's really pretty with music playing and churches and a Santa's animatronic toy factor with elves making toys. The roads were starting to ice up and we headed home to relax and crawl in bed. 

It was shot day for me and while T was laying in bed I loaded up on the magic juice to feminize myself and gave myself that all needed shot in the leg muscle. That shot hit me pretty damn quick, because as soon as I crawled into bed, I started to cry. T knew right away that something was wrong and I told him that I just didn't feel loved by anyone. As I cried I wanted to tell him about my financial issues and freaking out about finding a new job. T was all supportive, but never once did he say the L word to me. We did talk of living together in the near future and I think if I get a job in the Denver area, that it may happen. He wants to get out of were he is at and why not live together. He has never roomed with anyone that he was intimate with, and I have, but only once and that was with my ex. I know that if we room together, it will cut down on me seeing my kids more. I hate that thought, but I do not see them that much anyway. I would have to set it up to see them at my mom's which her and I talked about today.

Once up for Sunday, I made pancakes for us and then I fell asleep on T's lap... again. I do this all of the time it seems. Once I was up and awake, we opened presents to each other and I think T felt bad that I got him 3 shirts, 2 books and a CD. I got an awesome pair of snow shoes that he and I will break in once he gets back from Texas. T left the house at about 3:30 and when he got home it was snowing. I had followed him through part of Loveland, as I needed to go to Goodwill to donate 3 bags of old cloths. That made me feel good to donate really nice good cloths for Christmas and made me feel better about everything in general... for a while. 

I dressed down to go to my moms with a plane pair of jeans, a black sports bra, a sweat shirt top and my hiking boots. I also had no make-up or jewelry on to help with everyone not getting upset. I got to my moms at close to 5 and my brothers daughter and her fiancé and 2 boys were there already. I offered to help my mom, but she declined. As sat in the kitchen and listened to my mom talk and soon my sister oldest son and his fiancé showed up. He was nice to me and at that point I asked my mom if I could help her again. This time she took me up on it, and I buttered French bread for supper. Once I was done with that, I went in to my mom's living room and sat and listened to my nephew and my niece's fiancé chat about football. My brother showed up with his girlfriend and pretty soon my sister and her other son and husband. D2 had been there and pretty much ignored me and D1 came over with my brother. He wasn't feeling very good and I got a hug out of him. My niece and nephews fiancé started talking about wedding dresses and I listened intently to this conversation, as someday I would like to get married again. She showed them her wedding gown and I felt bummed that I was left out. Once my niece saw me looking at her Alfred Angelo book, she decided to show me her gown. It was just gorgeous and I felt envious of her. I did forget to say that when I got there, she told me how good I looked which felt great.

I had brought over my photography portfolio and it was getting tons of compliments on how good of a photographer I was. This was nice to hear, as I am very critical of my work... that's the perfectionist in me. We then sat down to supper of "The King of the Meats" LOL Prime rib, potato casserole, green beans, salad and French bread. Everything was wonderful and I only had a second on the salad. I did not over eat which is always a good thing. After we were all done, we headed to my mom's basement to open presents. It was very nice and D2 warmed back up to me as we were finishing opening gifts. My mom got me a really nice little toaster/pizza oven which holds a standard frozen pizza in it. We then headed back up stairs to clean up the mess and all head home. My brother never looked at me or even talked to me. It felt tense around him and I am sure he was uncomfortable around me, as I think he is not sure about me anymore. We gave each other hugs and good bys and parted ways. Just before I left, my niece told me how jealous she was of me and how I looked. She also invited me to her wedding in April which felt wonderful. I did inform her that I live full time and she was totally OK with this. While she and I have had our differences in the past, it is time we put them aside and support each others choices in life. I am happy for her that she has found someone she loves and who loves her and her two boys. 

I got home at about 8:30 and ended up not going to bed until 1 am. The boys would be over at 10:30 or 11 and I got to sleep in a bit. Once they were there. we opened presents and each was happy with what I had gotten them. D2 had gotten me a book titled "The world in 1492" It looks interesting, and I will have to read it once I am done with my other reading that I am doing. We fixed a pizza for lunch and they went home at about 2. D2 and I played a quick game of chess to a stalemate before they left.

Once they were gone, I relaxed and pretty much did nothing. I had to get up for work at my normal time on Tuesday and didn't want to go to bed, so I stayed up until about 11:30.

T made it to Texas today and we kept in text messaging contact most of the trip. After work I made a stop to look for something and then decided to stop at my moms were we had a nice chat. She loved the present that I got for her. I had printed out 2 photo's, 1 I knew she loved and the other I thought she would love. One was of a moss covered rock with tufts of grass growing out of the top of it and the rock sits in the middle of a river. I call it Islands in the Stream. To me it symbolizes that each one of us is a unique piece surrounded by life rushing by us. The other was a black and white photo of an old cabin in the mountains. I took the picture at one corner and the logs look really surreal. To me is shows that hard work can almost defy the test of time.

T called at about 8 and we chatted for a bit. I really miss him even though he will be back next Tuesday. We talked last night of the possibilities of moving in together again. But it wouldn't be until Spring time if we did if not latter.

Well I need sleep at for once I am done with this at a fairly early time. I need to get some sleep as I work at LB tomorrow night, plus I am supposed to drive to Greeley to take a written test for a IT job with the Greeley Police Department. I also wanted to add I have been TIVOing All My Children to see what transpires with Zarf. Zarf is a TS who will come out on the show on Friday. I want to stay in touch with this show to see how they treat this subject matter. Well anyway, Rock On and I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas. I also hope you have a wonderful New Year. Mine will be at home utilizing my Holiday Survival kit that my friend Laura gave me for Christmas. Hot Chocolate mix and Irish Crème, YUMMY!

Friday December 22nd: I started to write this the other day and I was so tired I stopped and didn't even bother to save it. So here I am back at it. Instead of doing this at 10:30 at night, I am doing it at 7:30 in the morning. I should be at work right now, but with the blizzard and hammering of snow we got, they have closed the government building I work at in Ft Collins. I was confident that I could get out to work, as I made it out and around my block yesterday afternoon.

Needless to say, yesterday was spent out side shoveling snow. The apartment complex I live at was supposed to have someone come in and remove snow. Fat chance that was. Everyone else was buried too, so at 10:30 am I bundled up, grabbed my camera and headed outside to explore a little. Not to far mind you, as it was still freezing cold out at 10:30 with the wind blowing. Many people were trying to dig themselves out and some spots that I walked through were easily two or more feet deep. Once I walked around a bit and got worn out trying to trudge my way through near ass deep snow drifts and in the few tracks from the nuts who were out early on the road, I decided I needed not sit around all day and decided to dig my pick-up out of the garage first.

I think it was about 11:00 am when I got started and since I am the only one who keeps their vehicle in the garage, I decided to toss some of the snow into a big pile to either side, Not so much that we could not dig a path to the neighbors garages if they needed to get the junk  or food stored in them out. I dug out about 4 feet and at this point the snow was about 18" deep all the way out to the road. I decided to focus on my parking space which was also buried. AT one drift it was about 3 and a half feet tall and in some the pavement was showing. So I set out digging out my parking spot. Once I was about halfway done with it, my neighbors Holly and Joe and Joes dad and I think step-mom came out and started to dig out. I had decided just before they came out, that once my parking space was empty, I would back my pick-up out partial and load up the bed of my truck with snow. With four of us shoveling, It wasn't more than 30 minutes if even that and more backing up to fill the bed. that my bed was packed to a height over my pick-up cab and slightly pushing down on the rear springs. I would guess that I have about 500 to 800 pounds of snow in the back of my truck. Once we had a clear path for me to back up in, I backed the pick-up into my parking spot. I wanted to back it in, so I could get a running start on getting out when needed. After the pick-up was out we all dug some more and at 2;00 pm I decided it was break time for me. My left forearm was killing me and my right was starting to hurt a little too. Lucky my back felt great (until this morning). The sun was out and if we got the snow down to the concrete, it melted right away which was good.

 
Taken 12/20/06 10:55 p.m. outside my front door Looking eastward

Taken 12/22/06 12:30 a.m. This is in front of my apartment. My garage is the 2nd one

This is my empty parking space. I had to move all of that snow to get my pick-up backed into my spot. The pile is as tall as my pickup on the sidewalk

The tree that is in the top picture outside my front door. Taken at ground level. There is even more snow on it now from my clearing my parking spot. Looking eastward. The snow pile is bigger by about a foot in this picture over the top one.

To the west of my front door looking out at the elementary school were my kids used to go. Some of the drifts I walked through to get to the street were close to 3 feet tall.

Looking back to the east at my apartment. My apartment is the one in the center of the picture. Yes I have both levels. That's why I don't want to lose my apartment to move or finances. 1300 sq feet with a garage, and water paid for with a Washer Dryer hook-up. for less than $600 a month. You cannot beat that for such a nice place. The tree I sit under in the super would be to the right of this picture.

This is looking north up the street behind my apartment.

To the south about 3 buildings down a guy digging himself out. You can see how tall the snow piles were after digging out. This guy was about 6 feet tall standing up.

This is just south of the school. I thought it was interesting seeing this little boy trudge waist deep through a path he had made.

A tree on the south side/front of the elementary school by my apartment. I thought it was pretty in all of the snow.

Once in the house, I drank 2 huge glasses of water. I had known that I was dehydrating so bad while working out in the cold. I talked to T on the phone to see how he was doing on his dig out and he was about worn out. I wish we could have been digging out together. I wasn't in the house for more than an hour, most likely less and had called Auto Zone to see if they had any tire chains that would fit my pick-up. They had 1 pair left and I got Joes dad talked into running me down their in his 4X4 Bronco. Once I got to Auto Zone they had already sold the last ones they had. So I said Oh well.

Once back at the apartment I started in digging us all out again. As we cleared more snow from the complex. One family didn't help out at all even though they have two health girls in high school, so needless to say, they are still buried in. At about 3:30 I decided to brave the road, and headed out around the block. Once on the major street's its all good. Even the street just west of me wasn't to bad. Just up the street someone had brought in a bobcat and was removing snow off of the road. I wish someone would do that on our street. As I drove around, I had no issues. But some idiot had cleared out a 6 foot deep spot all across the street to the pavement, In doing this they made a drop of almost a foot on both ends. This made for a nasty bump in the road. On the north end of my street as it goes east/west to north/south, it's the worst area. But I made it just fine. I was glad to have that extra weight in the back of my pick-up to help keep it from sliding around.

I think it was 3:30 when I went back into the house as it was starting to get cold outside even with the sun shining. I needed something in me to warm me up so I made some hot chocolate with Irish Cream and marsh mellows yummy! That tasted good and I decided I might as well play some on the PC since I don't really do it that much anymore. Loading up a saved game of Medieval 2 Total War and trying to rid myself of those pesky Scots. Next on my list will be those arrogant French LOL.

I talked to T a few more times through out the day and he had also been digging out cars for himself and his roommates. He was going to be headed out to have supper with his boss at the Outback Steakhouse. That really sounded good to me, but my supper consisted of Gordans Beer Batter Fish and home made macaroni and cheese. While not to bad, a steak would have tasted better. That fish ended up being almost all I ate all day yesterday with the exception of a few slices of beef summer sausage and a few slices of cheese. I need to cut back on eating and lose more of this roll that I have had for 15+ years. In reality there isn't much left of it, but to me it's to much and shows when I don't want it to. 

I actually got to be by 10 pm last night and decided to write a poem that I have been toying with. It's not the best as I was never a poet. But then again I think I did write some killer lyrics in the past and musical lyrics are poetry.

"I want my daddy"!

Today I heard a baby cry
He cried out for his daddy in vain
The way he screamed out for him
Made me cringe in pain

For my own two little boys
Must feel that way inside
Because the way I made them feel
The person they knew had died

For many a scents I am the same
Yet different to all but me
To know how my own two kids must feel
Is enough to drop me to my knees

I hope that maybe someday
Their grief will go away
For when that time does happen
It will bring brightness to my day

As I said it's not that good... or to me it is not. It is based on something that happened to me on Tuesday while working at LB. A lady came in and her little boy was struggling and screaming that he wanted his daddy. It touched me in so many ways that I almost had to cry. For some reason thinking of my own two little (well not so little anymore) boys and how they felt. They to wanted their dad back. But in this little boys case he was with his mom and dad was shopping elsewhere. In my case the dad my kids thought they knew is no longer there. Instead their is this person who dresses and even looks far different than what they have ever known him on the outside. Internally I am the same and better, but to all of my family, they do not see it that way. I hope in time that they do. I am not dead, I am still here. I have said it many times before, and I say it again. It's not what is on my outside that should matter to them, but what is on the inside. My heart is happier now. Yes i have my bad days, but internally I am not at war with myself anymore and that makes me happy. What makes me not happy is the way others make me feel and to an extent how I make myself feel. I have been pretty excessive and compulsive and it is a very common thing with what I am dealing with mentally... internally. But enough of that crap. As of late I have been feeling pretty good even with all of the bad that I may come. I am keeping my hopes up that I can get a job and I really hope I can get on at IBM, Sun Micro or Northrop Grumman as all three would cover my surgery. So keep faith for me.

When I got up this a.m. I was pretty sure that the USGS would be open. So I got all ready and then called my voicemail to see. Nope, no work because the parking lot was still buried. Oh well. So I heated up some sausage, egg and cheese hot pockets and dumped hot picante sauce on them and drank some milk to go with it. Once finished with breakfast I started watching Weird USA on the history channel and soon found myself napping in my recliner. That is until I heard my cell phone chirp with a text message from T asking if I was working. He was in the middle of breakfast and I know he is kind of bummed. His flight to Corpus Cristi was canceled and he cannot get there until Wednesday. So I feel bad that he cannot spend Christmas day with his family. I wish I could spend it with him and I may spend some of it with him. As it looks right now, I have the boys for a few hours Christmas day so they can open presents here. I may be going to my moms on Sunday, but that is not final yet. In some ways I want to go and in others I would rather spend it with T. 

Well I think I shall go try and rid the world of those arrogant French. I may try to get out for a bit today, but then again, I may just stay inside and stay warm and relax my dead arms. 

I may BLOG again latter and I may not. But then again...

Take Care, Hugs and Rock On, Up the Irons, and Take Hold of the Flame!

Sunday December 17th: It's cold out side right now... no not cold, down right freaking freezing out. It snowed pretty good were I live today, and kind of went and ruined my day. In Colorado you NEVER trust the weather man, no matter what. Especially were I live. I live in what we call the Banana belt. If its freezing cold in Denver and snowing, the sun is shinning here and it's a beautiful day out. I believe a lot of it is because of were we are located in the placement of the mountains and how the weather patterns typically move into the state. But anyway enough of my weather and meteorology lesson. Why was my day ruined?

T came up yesterday late afternoon, in fact it was afternoon when he got to my place, or better yet I got to see him. I had a few errands I had to ruin like go to my bank and stop at Wal-Mart to finish up my last minute shopping I had to do. T got to my place and I was still in the middle of shopping. Since he has a key now to my place, I told him to make himself at home, which he does quit well and he should. Basically he made some tea and sat and read a book about Mt Everest and people who have died climbing it. Once I got back to my place, I was absolutely starving. I had ate nothing all day, and T had ate breakfast while he was at his home. So I scarfed down some salami and cheese, and then a glass of milk and some of my moms home made candy. Once that was done, we talked about what to do. It was decided that we would go to Old Town Ft Collins and window shop. It sounded like fun and I wanted to find something for a close friend of mine. 

We made a stop at Ace hardware and looked around. The one in Ft Collins is a pretty cool place with tea pots and other pretty home decor. We then walked around for a bit and after walking 3 blocks total and a few stops, we went into a pretty woman's store with jewelry and clothing. Most of the stuff was based on spiritual as in Gaia the earth mother and some Celtic. Thomas decided to buy me a very beautiful pair of dragonfly ear rings with an amethyst in the setting. They were not cheap by any means and I wish he would not buy me gifts like that. Don't get me wrong, I love getting things from him and I love what he gets me every time, but I cannot return the favor to him and I really would love to. Having a guy shower you in gifts is a different feeling for me and while I love getting them, I feel bad about it. I know women who would think that getting something was deserved, but I am not that way. I do not need to have my love bought, but I know others who would say I would, those people do not know me as well as they think. I will admit, I love gifts like anyone else, but to be honest, I think I would rather get a single flower like a rose, or even a couple of flowers. I know they do not last, I just think it shows you care. I don't like a lot of flowers i.e. a bouquet, but just a single or two or three means a lot. I would also like it to be more of a surprise instead of walking into a store and having someone say, "Do you like this (place item here)"? And then have them buy it for you. It's nice but anyway.

After we left this shop, T said he felt like a beer, I suggest Coppersmiths and then I thought, "Hey New Belgium Brewery" Free sample. We head to New Belgium brewery and the place was pack with hardly a place to even stand. So we headed back to Coppersmiths. We had a side of Pub Fries that were awesome and I had 1 giant wheat beer and T had 2 that equaled the one mine came in. I was not 1/4 of the way through and I could feel it. Some of it was having not ate enough. We sat and talked a bit and waited a while for the buzz of my 1 beer to wear off. I decided to take T to a very cool place called "The Switzville Zoo" It's a local attraction of were this guy has made stuff out of scrap metal. It's very cool and I had not been there in a couple of years. We didn't get to stay long as the beer was running through T, but he loved the place and wants to come back sometime soon and see everything.

Since T needed to use the restroom, I drove across the highway so he could use the facilities. While he did that, I made a reservation to Biaggi's which we had decided to eat at. We had to be there at 6:45 and we had two and a half hours. So we headed home and we relaxed... in each others arms. What an incredible 1.5 hours it was relaxing too.  T really touched me, and in some respects frightened me in that time, but he also touched me deeply in my soul and I must say I have a higher respect for him... No a deep love for him. I will say it, I love T and I don't mean as just a friend, but someone I think... No I know I could spend my life with. T is a very deep person, who has so much insight into life and even how I feel. T made me face things this weekend that I was afraid to face. He really makes me want to have a reason to live even when I feel like giving up. I now think of how it would affect him and that I don't think I want to not be with him. In that time we relaxed, I actually cried pretty damn hard. I felt extremely vulnerable, I felt like an un-controlled, untamed creature, and I think T has started to take control and tame that creature. T actually made me face some things and told me he wanted to be with every part of my body now and after surgery. He sees me as nothing but a female. The way I look at him, the way I react to him, my emotions, the way I touch him, everything. I act like every other woman he has ever known. Now to those who think it is all an act, think deep on this. How could I.. yes I know how every other female has ever reacted to him. How could I know how ANY female for that fact reacts with men and one that they care about. Actors have to study hard and have coaching play roles. I have had none of that. It is all instinct with me. I am reacting on 100% pure instinct. I am reacting upon my true inner self. Ask yourself this "How could I  react upon my true inner self if I was a male acting like a female? I could not.  There are many things I find myself doing that I am not trying to do, nor have I ever tried to do, and those traits are totally inherently female. I find this incredibly enlightening, having been able to see both sides of life. 

It was getting about time to go, so I changed cloths and cleaned up my tear streaked face. I had decided to dress up for supper and put on an outfit that I knew T would love. We got to Biaggi's and got seated right away which was awesome. This impressed T that I had planned ahead for us and made out wait time only 1 or 2 minutes. We ordered a bottle of white wine that was very good and I ate a salad. We both got a different person of a rotini Italian sausage pasta and both tasted wonderful. After we ate, we walked across to Barnes and Nobles and looked a round for about an hour to let our wine wear off of us. T had a hard time keeping his hands off of me, even in public, but we kept the PDA out of sight. We headed home and relaxed for a while on the coach before heading to bed. It was pretty late before we went to sleep as T and I talked a while about the future. And it was not just my future or his future, but our future. I honestly think T and I will be together a long time, if not the rest of our lives. But then again I could be wrong. I hope I am... No I pray I am. There are a lot of decisions to be made, and one of mine would be something I have never had to face as a male, but as a female, every woman faces it. No, don't get the wrong Ideas here, but what I am getting at is a possibility, it's to early to really tell, but it is a real possibility. In some respects it scares me to think of things like that. Men never or hardly ever have to think of these things, but all women have to think about it. Anyway T and I had some nice talk and only time will tell what transpires. It is scary, yet exciting.

We slept in late and then went to eat breakfast. We went to a little place with awesome food, but a huge wait. But the wait was worth it. Afterwards we headed back to my place and relaxed. We had planed on Seeing the Mel Gibson movie, but with heavy snow, we nixed that idea. In fact since it was dumping snow were I live, T headed home at about 4 pm. I hated to see him go and I really didn't want him to go, but I was concerned with his safety, and it was for the best that he left when he did, as snow was collecting and turning into ice. He got home at a little after 5 and the plan is for me to go to Broomfield on Wednesday to have supper with him. It will be the last I get to see T until after the new year. I am really going to miss him. I asked him to call me, once he got to his moms in Corpus Cristi. I wish I was with him, and maybe in time I will get to go. T says once he gets back, he has something special planed for the both of us. We will have our Christmas after the New Year together. I know T is talking of getting me a ring. Not that kind, but more of a friendship ring to go on a different finger. I has said "Oh one for this finger"? and pointed to my left ring finger and T said No, that one will come at a different time. So I know they thought is with him, that maybe he does want to spend the rest of his life with me.

I really do care for T and even though he has upset me, most of that is my own fault. I know I actually love him in more respects than I thought I would. I think of him all of the time and I miss him when I am not touching him or near him. I know he says some of the same things to me, that all he really thinks about is me and being with me. we have a special relationship together, and I am blown away by the way he makes me feel most of the time. I would have never expected to be in a relationship at this point in my transition and one that means so much to me. I know I should be careful, but when you fall for someone, you cannot help but wear your heart on your sleeve.

Tomorrow is support group pot luck. I am talking by special request my Verde green chili. I made a double batch tonight and froze some form self. It's not the best I have made, but, it is still good/ For those interest the recipe is

1.5 pounds of pork (I use pork stew meet all chopped u
1 cup of water (drained from boiling the pork pieces)
1 cup of milk
3 oz of oil
3 to 4 Tbs of flour
28 oz of chopped tomato
2 cups of Green Chili's (I use Pueblano fresh roasted chili's that I get in the fall and have roasted)
1/4 tsp of Garlic (I use more)
1/8 Tsp pepper (I use more

Chop the pork into bit side pieces and then boil in water for 1 hour. Drain off all the water and save 1 cup of it for use in making the rue. Add in oil and brown pork until it is golden brown. Add in the 1 cup of water, add in 1 cup of milk and heat. Add in flour (may need more to make it into a nice thick gravy). Add in 28oz of tomato (I like to use 14oz of canned and 14 oz of fresh. Juice and all. Add in 2 cups of shopped up chili's. Add in fresh garlic (I use 2 gloves plus about 1/2 tsp of garlic salt. Add Pepper to taste. Serve it up and enjoy.

Well anyway, it is late and I need to get to bed. I have not slept good in 3 days. I have to much on my mind with finding a job. I have a test in Greeley next Thursday at the Police Department. I hate testes and I hope I do well. Rock On! Oh for a good laugh go to http://annah.rightsideout.net/ and go to the BLOG section. My friend Annah has some very funny YouTube video's that she did. They had me busting out in laughter.

Thursday December 14th: Eight days since I last posted anything in here. I haven't really felt like writing anything, and I still don't really, but I think I need too. It's been a freaking week, that's for sure. I continue to dump resumes and applications like mad just to find a stinking job. GOD I wish I had the funds to go to school and learn a new trade, but I'm in a Lose, Lose situation. One, I make or did make to much money for most grants or loans. Two, I still have to pay all of my bills that I cannot keep up on. If I went to school, I would not be able to work and pay bills, If I work, I cannot go to school, it's frustrating. I did apply at a hospital today in their IT department. If they would pay for school and allow me to work, that would be awesome. I think the medical field is what I want to get into. Hell I have the experience of giving shots already LOL. 

I did have an interview in Denver on Monday at a contracting firm. People keep asking me how it went. Honestly I don't know. In the past when I thought I did well, I didn't get the job and when I thought I sucked, I got the job. Funny how that is, isn't it. So I just continue to hunt high and low for something that pays close to what I make now, maybe a little less. 

Before I headed to Denver for my interview I did make a stop at the Ft. Collins DMV to get a form to make some legal changes on my license. I would be willing to bet I am the 1st in my county and possibly one of the 1st in the state to get this form.

On Wednesday, I had a very early morning Dr visit. It was just a follow-up on my meds and how I was doing. My Doc did want me to increase my anti-depressant. As he came in the room he read me pretty damn good on how I was feeling. He's a good Dr, but his billing staff has me confused. It seems that they have been billing my insurance for a nervous medical condition. This is out of network and so I am getting billed for it. Once I found this out, I called my Dr and said fix this please, as you are only issuing meds to me and not counseling me. He said he would get right on it, I hope they figure it all out and pay me back the money that I didn't need to pay for this all. While I was there I had my Dr fill out some forms for me which he was happy to do. I left his office and went to work as normal.

At lunch I went back to the DMV to drop off my forms to them. I was in there for a pretty short time for our DMV. Once I turned in my forms and made some corrections on my license, they took away my old license and gave me a temp on. I am not going to go into any details, but the changes are big to me. Once again, I would bet I was one of the first to get this done and I bet the 1st in my county. After I got my temp license, my girlfriend Phadrea took me to have an F'in lunch. As soon as I get my real license a bunch of my girlfriends want to have an F'in party. In sounds pretty F'in cool to me and I am F'in up to it.

I had the boys twice this week and on Tuesday, it was a rough day for the three of us, not to mention my mom and their mom. Things went south and it turned into a bad and sad day. I have said this before and I will say it again. I LOVE MY BOYS PERIOD. I do not want any bad to happen to them. I want them to be happy, and I want them to do what they want to do when they get older. I support them on their choices weather I like their choices or not. I will be there  or try to be there to guide them along. Someone past on info saying I have always wanted to give them up just so I could have extra money. Well that is totally FUCKING WRONG what they past along. I want what is best for my boys and IF they do not want me to be a part of their life anymore in anyway shape or form, I would be willing to let them go. The old saying, If you love something, let it go means a lot here. I would never give up my kids just so I could have more money... NEVER, GOT THAT Mrs. Cravits? But I would give them up, if it was for the betterment of them and their life. It would mean zero contact with them until they were 18 and then it would have to be their choice, not mine. Know this, I have already lost enough of my family, I do not want to lose the part that means the most to me... ever. But in many ways I have given them up, so I could be at peace with myself. I believe that we cannot be happy or love anyone else, until we are happy and love ourselves first.

The boys wanted to come over on Wednesday and I had my reservations on that as did their mom. Once at my house we had a talk. We made the rule of no talking unless you held the stuffed bear. I hope it went well as I let the boys spill their feelings to me. I think they still held back, but I tried to let them know I was there for them and supported and respected their decisions.

I worked at LB tonight, and all I can say was that stock room was hotter than hell... at least to me it was. My wonderful little co-worker had to disagree as she had a space heater on and was freezing. So I sweated away climbing ladders in heeled boots and a skirt. Go figure the day I decide to wear a skirt, I have to climb ladders. It never works that way for me.

Well it's almost Christmas and I need to finish last minute shopping this weekend. T may not be down in tomorrow. This well be our Christmas weekend together as he heads to Texas to visit his mom for 2 weeks. i will miss him while he is gone.

Well it is late, tomorrow is Friday and I hope I hear from a place I dropped in an application to. Keep your fingers crossed and pray to who ever you believe in, that I find something soon... very soon for that matter. Rock On!

Wednesday December 6th: Damn! I should be in bed sleeping right now instead of writing this stupid thing, but I am in a spiraling downward death spin stall, ready to impact with the on-coming terrain at terminal velocity and my canopy is jammed. WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO, GOD HELP ME PLEASE I scream in rage and terror!

No that isn't a book, or a movie or history. It's my life right now and I must say, My life Totally fucking sucks. I feel like climbing up on a rock somewhere and going to sleep and not wake up.

I found out yesterday (Tuesday Dec 5th, 2006) at 10 a.m. that I am being let go from my job at the USGS as of January 31st 2007. It seems I am to be replaced by a more knowledgeable model i.e. someone who knows more than I do. It's not that I cannot learn this stuff, it's more like we need it right now, so see ya! Two of the lead IT people have been pulled to do other tasks and they need someone who can do their security stuff and many other things that I have 0 (ZERO) experience in. It totally sucks, but I have no recourse. I have been told that I can apply for the job, but do not count on getting it. So that gives me a little over 1.5 months to find a decent paying job were I live, or be totally fucked! (Sorry I just can't help using that F word tonight) Can we say scared shitless? If people think I had a nervous breakdown 3 years ago when I lost my job at HP, watch me now!

I went into my dear  great friend Phadrea's office today and just broke down crying. I was holding it back until then, and I just lost it. She was awesome to give me a hug comforting hug and to tell me that she is very concerned with my health because of this.

It's funny that many at the USGS tell me how lucky I am to be leaving. I don't see it as such, because of the money issue and how things are for me right now. I feel it's better to leave on your own terms than to be kicked out of the house before your ready to spread your wings and fly. My wings are not developed enough to fly and I fear that I will smack head first into the on coming terrain, snapping my neck and making it useless to fly even if I could. (metaphors, you have to love them)

On the positive, she said I am being stronger than she would be. I have already done over a dozen resumes and apps on line. I even put in for a permanent USGS job in Flagstaff, AZ doing Astrology and IT stuff. I have my doubts about getting that job, as they need some Unix and Linux and it has been since late 2000 since I had to deal with either of those NOS's (Network Operating Systems)

I bailed out of work early to go to a meeting in Lakewood, CO (Part of Denver) that concerns the transsexual community and the DMV. Starting Dec 11th there are some good changes for us concerning the DMV and our drivers licenses. So come Monday Dec 11th I am going to implement those changes. Some of you know what I am talking about and to others, this is all confusing... as it should be.

So since I was in Denver T and I had supper together at P. F. Changs. I had some kind of spicy beef, and it WAS spicy. And then we shared this HUGE monster of a chocolate cake of which about half is left and waiting to be shared again with T.

T and I had some shaky moments last Friday and Saturday. But needless to say we are working them out as any relationship has them and they too have to be worked out. T did say that IF I got the job in Flagstaff he would visit every other month and if all went well, move down there with me. Well I hope Flagstaff happens as that job sounds fun and awesome, not to mention my friend Laura came from Flagstaff before Ft Collins and would consider going back there. That would be awesome to have one of my best girlfriends and my boyfriend there.

So with things going to be tight, I am going to only go to hair removal two more times. Once this week and again in January, UNLESS, I find a good paying job First.

All of this concerns Jean and the boys too. As Jean relies heavily on my support to make it and keep a roof over their heads and food to eat. It scares me to see them affected by all of this,  even more so than myself. My boys mean everything to me and if things don't get better before they get really bad, then it's going to hurt them bad and I could not bare to know that or see that.

Jean asked if I would go back to the old me just to find a job. I don't think I could survive doing that to be honest. Not to mention I have no male cloths... at least ones that would even fit and look professional. Nothing like wearing major baggy cloths that don't fit anymore. But it scare me to death thinking that I have to find a job now and be transsexual, not to mention my financial status is hurting and some places look at that in background checks. 

Well I am tired and need to get to bed, I work at LB tomorrow and I plan on seeing if I can gain more hours because of all of this. I hate to think I may have to quiet that job, just to work a not so good, not very good paying job.

Well... my head hurts and I am confused right now. I am dizzy from the spin I am in and ready to puke, Maybe I should go find a nice curb right below a beautiful persons apartment and puke up Chinese food and chocolate cake. It would beat the Mexican and Jager mixed. And I am sure the snow would help remove it in do time. WOW come to think of it, that sounds kind of like the thing to go do. Toss cookies, it would give me something to look forward to when I land face first in it from my death spin, as I play Lawn Dart with my plane..

MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! I AM GOING DOWN! REPEAT, I AM GOING DOWN! SPLAT! OHHHH now who's going to clean up the mess? 

Wednesday November 29th: Typically I would not have posted tonight with the exception of one minor thing which I will get to in a bit. The other reason is, it's 11 pm as I write this. 

I came up stairs to head to bed and decided to check my email one last time for the night. In my email was a message from my therapist, Dr Beth Firestein. The email she sent made be jump for joy and it had information that is a HUGE step for those of us in the transsexual community and I am sure many of us in the state of Colorado will be rejoicing. While it is not as huge of a message as say Trans rights (and it is in a way dealing with that) Or making employers in the state help pay for our transition (Minnesota does just that). The news none the less is huge to many of us and it will mean a huge change for many of us. 

This change will allow many of us to change the designation on our drivers licenses to the gender we really are and not the one we our birth certificates say. So in other words I will be able to have my gender on my Drivers License changed from M to F and taking away the one HUGE obvious thing that people could fully use to check our gender with out actually seeing what we have or don't have between our legs.

The change will be similar to the one in California and will be form based, and will require the signature of a Colorado licensed MD.

This policy originally happened in 1996 with the help of Melissa Chapman but the designation was changed in 2002 to only those who had fully gown through their Gender Reconstruction Surgery.

This change will be effective in December and I can hardly wait to get my new Drivers license that will identify me as the gender I really am.

If any of you in Colorado are interested in attending a special meeting on December 6th from 3 to 5 PM please let me know. I am going to try with all of my might to be at this landmark meeting.

So the other post that I was going to talk about is already done and can be read at myblog.delaneyalysa.com This post is more of a light hearted post about something that I experianced today.

And onto one more little piece of information. My boyfriend T asked me a few days ago to consider putting my thoughts down and writing a book. At the beginning of my transition and when I had wrote some letters to family and friends, one of my friends who does editing, suggested that I do this also and offered to help if I needed it. Well I have started to do just what was asked. While some of you (family) may get upset about this, consider this an biography. Like any other story, it is my view, and I will consider putting in a discloser explaining that this story is in my views only and do not express any views of anyone else. I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings on this as to many have been hurt already. But enviably feelings may get hurt, but it is not my intention to do that. My full intention is to write about what I have gone through all of my life and how I have felt about many things, including many things that I write about on my BLOG. It may never get done, and it may never see the light of day, but maybe then again, maybe it will end up on Oprah's top choice list.

Well Rock On and have a great evening!

Tuesday November 28th: It's snowing like mad outside tonight, and I am glad I am inside my cozy little apartment of 1300 sq ft, all warm and almost toasty. The only thing missing is a fireplace, a cup of hot chocolate with a dash of Bailey's and some whip cream on top. Oh and not to mention, someone to cuddle with like say ummmm, T. 

Last night was support group and I must admit, I am getting to a point that I am not getting much from the group. I think people get things from me and some of the other vets (yeah like I am a vet having been there 2 years now) when we go. But last night, and I have seen this a couple of months ago, that not many of the vets say much either. I actually chimed in a couple times on subject matter, as I felt I had to speak my mind. Personally I can't stand just sitting there the whole time and not say something, even if what I do say has some controversy in it. After the support group meeting I chatted with a couple of friends in the building, and then felt it was time to leave (well the building lights were going off so it was a sign to bail). I stood outside in the almost cold weather and chatted with another friend who feels the same as I do. When she left I chatted a bit longer and at ten headed home to my not so warm and cozy at that moment apartment. The other thing about support group is it is on Monday's and I almost always work on Monday at LB. I may be off on every other day, but I usually work Monday's. But this week I get only Thursday. So for the most part, I hate asking for Monday off, in the off hand case, I was going to get to work both days. 

Once I got home at a bit past 10, I decided I needed some milk and chocolate. (always a favorite with me at night). After may late night snack, I got ready for bed and then read a book for about 15 minutes tops. At this time I notices how cold my place was, so I added a t-shirt to my bed time wear. I was still freezing, so I went downstairs to grab another blanket on the couch. This helped a wee bit and I could at that time fall asleep in my cool bed. At about 2 this morning, I woke up freezing, but I was covered in sweat. I kicked off the extra blanket and I was still sweating but freezing. Finally, I took off my extra t-shirt and that helped a lot and I fell back asleep. Now mind you I try to keep the temp at 66 degree's, and last night, that's what I had it set to. But today when i got home I had to crank it up to 72. I did not want to freeze tonight at any cost. Hopefully after eating a nice warm and spicy bowl of home made green chili for supper will also help instead of a not so tasty frozen pizza that I had last night. 

So this past weekend, T suggest that I write a book to try and make money for surgery. I had to laugh at that as I suck at writing and who in their right mond would want to read a book about me and my life? Well after tossing the idea around, I decided to try and start writing on. I am at about 1500 words right now on it, and I guess in time, we shall see what it turns into. I have no idea how it will turn out or even what to call it. One idea is "In Harmony with life: A Metamorphosis" I don't know, sounds dorky to me.

So T called me tonight and I found out that he will not be going to Texas in two weeks YEAH! and there was much rejoicing! I had actually planned on going to a friends Christmas tree decorating party with tons of awesome food, and I hope I can talk T into going. This would then be a great spot for him to met one of my best friends Laura. 

So I am trying hard to get into a Christmas spirit, even thought I feel like the Scrooge. I actually bought a 6 foot fake tree yesterday and some lights and ornaments to go on it. All I need is an angel for the top now and a tree skirt. I asked T tonight to help set it up and decorate it this weekend. This will be nice and hopefully give my place some cheer that I need. 

Well I was actually going to do something else with my time, but it appears that it has slipped away. Tomorrow I have a session with Dr Beth. I feel indifferent about it, but I guess I need to check in and say I feel better. 

Next Thursday the band Skid Row is playing at a club less than a 1/4 of a mile from my apartment. I saw them earlier in the year there and it was a blast. the only thing is I was not living in female mode at that time. I may go, I need to rock and I need to try this and see how it goes. Even thought it's on a Thursday night, I live so close that I would be in bed at about 11 which is about when they stop playing. I only hope if I have to work, I am out of there by 8. 

Well I should relax for about a minute or so and go to bed. I will have to leave earlier in the morning tomorrow because of the bad roads here. At 5:30 tonight, I had to drive 20 miles an hour on the highway to my place because of traffic and bad roads. Oh well I arrived alive. 

Also tomorrow I may color my hair. I am going to go a bit darker than my natural brown (or black as some say even though it is clearly brown) with some reddish highlights to it. This should be fun and I need to hide the gray in my head anyway. 

Well Rock On and have a great day.

Sunday November 26th: Only 28 shopping days until Christmas. It's hard to believe that 2006 is drawing to a close. Time sure does fly anymore. It seems the older I get, the faster time fly's past me. And to top it off, there is only 1 more major holiday before the year is up. 

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday to celebrate. It was really fun with having kids, and seeing their excitement on Christmas morning on the presents that they had gotten. It was also a time that families spent together... at least my family did on Christmas Eve. I am not sure how it will work out this year with the way things are. My mom mentioned about seeing if anyone would mind if I came over... toned down of course and not using my female voice nor in very female attire (dress, skirt, blouse, etc) or even make-up. I am more than happy to try and do this, so I can have some time with my family. Of course I would use a slightly higher pitched voice, but in no way would it be my total female voice. I can hope that this happens as a lonely Christmas Eve would totally be a downer knowing that everyone else is there, and I am left out. SO on to the rest of the week.

I took off Wednesday and had the boys until after lunch. The day turned out totally bad. D1 started off in a major tirade about having dropped his books on the pavement on the way in, and the way he was acting it was my fault that it had happened. After about an hour I got him calmed down and we sat down to play D&D with D1 as the DM. He had never done this before and he has a ton to learn before I let him do it again. Up until lunch he would raise his voice when I tried to help him and this made it a touch and go situation.  We broke a bit before lunch so I could make some cheese balls for my mom, the boys, and for T and I. D1 helped and all seemed to be good... for a while at least. Once we sat down for our own Thanksgiving dinner of Cordon Blue and wild rice, things went south. D1 started in about everything I had done in the past and kept asking why I did them, even thought I have answered that question at least a dozen times before. He brought up other things too that he felt I did, or thought I had promised to do. He was mad that he felt that he would now not get to go to Disneyland until he was 17 nor see the ocean. Two things I have never seen myself, not that I don't want my boys to see them either, I do. Well I take that back, I have seen the ocean... from about 15,000 feet headed to Germany in 1995. But anyway. This attack from the boys both carried on until even after lunch and once they had had enough, I could not explain anything to them, as they did not want to hear it. They had their voice spoken, and I was not allowed mine to counter or explain anything. As we continued our D&D game D1 kept saying that I was yelling at him, which I was not. He gets very loud, when he gets upset and I was trying to explain things to him about the game. As he kept saying I was yelling at him, I decided to really yell at him and show him the difference but only by example not in reality would I be yelling at him. When I did this, it caused him to jump and before I could say anything, he started crying and ran up the stairs screaming at me. This really caused a conflict between both of the boys and I and D1 did not let me get in any word to say I was sorry for scaring him. He kept yelling at me and soon I was upset and mad that I had no respect from either boy. With all of the conflict, I decided that I was done playing, that it was not a good situation to continue and I said I was done. Well this too caused more conflict and soon D1 was on the phone to his mom saying only part of the truth of what had transpired. I told him I didn't want him in my apartment until he could learn to respect me, under which his reply he didn't want to come back until I could respect him 1st. I do respect both of my boys on their choices in life and how they feel, but they in return do not respect any of mine. And part of the mornings fight was about sacrifice and how I did not even sacrifice anything that day for them. My reply to that was I did. I sacrificed having free time to myself and dressing in a mode that made me feel good, instead I dressed to make them comfortable and feel good. I was wearing sweats and a T-Shirt which is comfy, but it limited me to what I could do when they left unless I got all changed, which I hate doing once the day is all but over. but anyway. D1 ended up going home and writing me a note of anger. D2 stayed until 2:30 and I did nothing. Once D2 left for home, I changed cloths and headed to work at LB. I was to work until 8 but was asked to stay another 30 minutes which I did. Eva was playing Christmas music which was bumming me out. I did not want to be in a Christmas mood. Her answer to this was be happy and then at Christmas when it suck's then be happy. I said No I want to be grouchy and then if it is a good one, I can be happy. So once I left LB I was hungry and knew T would have ate his supper already, so I stopped to get a sandwich and soup from Quizno's. Sure enough when I got to my apartment, T was in the shower and I ate my food. We talked for a while and I am not sure when we went to bed, but I do know it was about 9 when we crawled out of bed Thanksgiving day.

Thanksgiving day was a great day for me. I felt great and I did almost nothing... well not totally true. Once up and about I made T and I a breakfast of sausage, eggs, toast and hash browns, YUMMY!. T did his usual clean up and had a pot of tea already brewed and ready to drink. We sat down and watched the Sci-Fi channel's marathon of Eureka. I had never watched it before and neither had T. I must say I really liked the show, and now it's a must watch when it comes back on next season. All T and I did was watch and enjoy this show. At about 2 pm. I prepared our chicken for dinner and put it in the oven. At 3:00 I did the potato's. Once our dinner was ready at about 4:30 or 5, we sat down to eat baked chicken, home made mashed potato's, chicken gravy that was totally awesome, corn, fresh rolls and stuffing for me. Like usual, I did not over eat. I learned a very long time ago, that I did not need to eat to much on the holidays. T really loved yet another of my meals and this made me feel good. After supper T did the dishes and I stripped the meat off of the chicken and put all the leftovers away. We had about 3 helpings of potato's left, gravy for about 3 helpings, and stuffing and corn for 2 or 3. We then finished watching our marathon of Eureka and drank tea. T had never seen Batman Begins, so I pulled it out and we watched that on my home theater with surround sound. T really liked this Batman, even over the Keaton versions, and I have to agree with him. I think it was 11 or a bit later when we crawled into bed. We had to be up at 7 for an appointment I had with hair removal. 

We crawled out of bed at 7 am and got ready to be at Susan's for hair removal at 8:45. T went with me and got to meet Susan. He really liked her and was interested in what she does to get rid of those nasty hairs. I think I may have him thinking of having some done on his beard that goes way down the front of his neck at irritates him when he wears a high collar. Once that was done, we headed to breakfast to a place I had not ate at in about 20 years. I must say and T agreed that it was very good. The place reminded you of a small town dinner and the food was good. We left there and headed to my job so I could swap tapes for the monthly big back-up. I showed T some of the building and he was impressed by it all. I think we were there at 30 minutes, and then went to Old town Ft Collins to shop and look around. We went into a few shops and I even got T to go into a dress shop with me. I could tell that he was a bit uncomfortable about it, but he was a good sport. We ate a nice bowl of Death by Chocolate ice cream and then T bought me a pretty pair of ear rings. The design is native American bears with a small turquoise stone and two feathers. This was really sweet of him to do and was not necessary, but he wanted to I guess. He then headed to Jax outdoor and surplus shop to look around. Everyplace was packed including Jax. I think it was about 2 when we headed back home and see about a movie. We had talked of seeing The Fountain and we did go at 5. When we got there T was a bit grouchy about a lady and her kids and were I had picked to sit. I like sitting at the top, right below the projector, so that I can see the whole screen. T likes to sit about 2 to 4 rows up from the middle isle way. Had I known this, I would have sat there. This kind of upset me but it was no big deal I guess. I just didn't like being snapped at for something so petty. At least I thought he was snapping at me for it. The movie was OK and really had some deep thinking spots to it. Over all I didn't really like it, and T thought it wasn't bad. We headed to Hu Hot for supper and all we could eat. My concoction of food was rather salty this time and I don't know why, as I had used the exact same things before and liked them. Once in a while I have a bad experience there, but over all it's one of my favorite places to eat. While there I got two bowls of Hot and Sour soup to go and a gift certificate for Jean and the boys. They never get to eat out much and I thought it would be a nice treat for them. We made a quick stop at my mom's to drop off some money I had gotten for Jean to pay for the boys eye check-up and glasses. By doing that, I think I have settled a conflict that we have been having. As I try to prove I still care and want to help were, and when I can. Once home, T and I relaxed and watched video's on Youtube.com. WOW they have some I have not seen in like 20 years. it was fun and I think it was midnight when we hit the bed. 

When we woke up Saturday morning, T was in a rare mood. I tend to snore at night, as does he. When he got up he made the comment about never sleeping with me and this had to change. It wasn't in those exact words and the way he said it, he made it sound like our relationship was over because I snored to much and he could not sleep. He went to use the bathroom and I laid in bed very upset about what he said. Once he came back to bed, T could since something was wrong. He gave me a hug and I started to cry... a lot. It was more of a sob really. We talked it over a bit and he explained that what he said was not what he meant. What he meant was that we both need to figure out something to do about our snoring, so it didn't affect each other. Actually I don't let it (snoring) bother me, and I learn to shut it out and ignore it. I can be a heavy sleeper sometimes and shut out noise like that, once a sleep. We decided to take our weekend hike and this time to the back side of Crosier Mountain. While driving up T made the comment how quite I was. I kind of shrugged and said yeah. I was still thinking of what had transpired and other things on my mind. We hit the trail and T took the lead this time. He was really going and I was falling behind as I was trying to pace myself and not get worn out. The way it was my legs hurt and I didn't have energy. About 2 hundred yards up the hill, maybe more, T decided that I needed to take the lead, or he would be running up the mountain and that would be bad. I did and most of the time I said nothing, except to agree with something he said. I think we were about half way to the junction point we wanted to reach and T stopped and asked what was bothering me. I said a lot of things and he wanted to talk about them and I didn't. This side of the trail is much easier than the other we took last weekend, but it still has some nice views of mountain peaks, valleys and huge meadows. We had a few hunters pass us as we headed up and them down. Every time they were empty handed. Once to the junction, T and I took jackets off to cool down. It was nice up there and only a cool breeze. At this time T and I sat down and talked a bit about what was the matter. I explained that my emotions were easy to hurt and that I got very emotional over things he didn't think were big deals and I did. I also said that I was on hormones and this really effected me. In many ways, I have the emotions of a woman with PMS sometimes. I will say I didn't say everything I wanted to talk about. I just could say something's... yet but need to and will in time. With this talk we cleared the air of some issues, and I do know that T really cares for me and he knows I care for him a lot. I am in fact the only person who has ever told him that they loved him, besides his mom. I know I do love him very much and do not want to lose him, but then again I do not like being hurt, no one does. We headed back to the pick-up at about 3:30 and made it back down in about an hour and plenty of light left in the day. Once home, we talked of what to eat and decided on left over Thanksgiving food. The night went by fast and before we knew it, it was 8 pm and T needed to head home for the weekend. Even though it was Saturday, he had to do things around his place, and I wanted to have the boys for a few hours on Sunday. We said our goodbyes and T was gone until next weekend. While it had it's up's and downs, I still had a great weekend, and cannot wait to see T again soon. I did not want to go to bed and I think it was 2;30 am by the time I was asleep in bed. I was to call Jean when I was ready for the boys.

I slept until almost 10 am and once out of the shower I called Jean to bring the boys over. I had decided that I was not going to dress as down today and instead wore jeans, a cami top and a sweat/workout jacket I wore hiking on Saturday. When the boys got to my place Jean really wanted me to use the certificate I had gotten her and the boys for Hu Hot. I really wanted her to enjoy it too, but she insisted that I take the boys and get them out of the apartment. This would be a HUGE step for us all. D1 had a slight issue with how I was dressed, but D2 calmed him down and said it was OK. D2 played on the PC for a bit and after about an hour, I made him get off so D1 could play Half-Life 2 on it. We headed to lunch at 1:30 and I wore old tennis shoes, no bra or make-up and another sweat jacket I had over the top of my other one, so as not to get cold. I must say all went well eating lunch and I know the boys enjoyed it too. This was a huge step for them and I explained that in a short time, I really would need to wear a bra and some make-up. This was a baby step or I guess One Giant Leap for them. D2 did finally say today that I would be his only dad ever. This made me feel good and maybe my point is starting to be heard. I will not totally count on it yet, but I will take every little thing I can get and hold onto it tightly. Once done eating, I needed time for myself and had Jean get the boys at about 3;30. I then relaxed and played some Medieval 2 Total War on my PC. Supper was my bowls of Hot and Sour soup and after that, I figured it was time to update this thing. 

So it's the end of a nice long weekend. Y=Tomorrow is support group night and I only work Thursday at LB (BUMMER not enough hours again) I have a lot I am thinking of lately, and I can only hope that the light that I need so badly to see, will soon come into view soon. The anti-depressant I am taking feels better and I don't seem to be as down, even thought I still have down/sad moment's they are not as bad. Well I need to get to bed, after staying up to late last night. Anyway Rock On!

Tuesday November 21st: Just a quick update. So a few posts back I mentioned that I had gone to my Dr to discuss to him about changing my anti-depressant and while I was there I brought up another issue I was having. My Dr trying to stay on top of the issue, promptly checked my prostate to see if it was OK. Even after checking it with the all time fun thing of rectal examine (Yes that's how they check it for those who do not know and it sure feels awesome... NOT, it's rather painful in my opinion, but I have felt worse... far worse, try a hot needle in your lip some time, that's worse for a starter) So back to the subject. So my Dr wanted to be complete on this and had me go to the lab that my insurance company uses for a PSA test. They took the blood and that too I mentioned on how fun that was (I still have a small bruise on my left inside elbow from that girl taking blood out of my arm. Yesterday around 10 am, my Dr called me, and yes it was my Dr and not an office assistant. I love my Dr and this really makes me feel cared for when he personally takes the time to call me and give me details. This is not the 1st time he has done this, nor am I sure will it be the last. So anyway onto the news. My blood tests on the PSA test came back clean. Boy what a relief that is. But what is this issue I am dealing with? It happened to me again Sunday night and to be honest, it's starting to freak the hell out of me. I did some research and found that it is called Hermatospermia and yes it deals with what you think it is by those two words. Blood in the sperm, or in my case since I had a vasectomy 11 years ago there is no sperm, but there is the other fluid. Now for you Yahoo's that are jumping to conclusion, and know that I am dating, this started BEFORE, yes BEFORE I started to date someone. This is not a cause from me having a relationship. If you do your research on it, you will find that the majority of the time it's caused from prostate issues. Now the only issue I have with my prostate is that it is getting smaller. There can be other causes and then sometimes it just happens with males my age, and yes I am still considered male, (YUK) even though I consider myself female as do others who know me. So my Dr asked me to keep an eye on it, and that I intend to do. Lets just say I need to not stimulate myself (as all TS people do still on an occasion) when I feel the need. And for those who think it is gross, it's pretty natural for many males and for TG people. We get sexual frustrated and have that need once in a while to feel the excitement that it brings. And yes we can have that excitement after surgery... very much so. So if this issue continues, I will have to see a specialist, which doesn't sound fun to me. But I want to make sure nothing critical or life threatening is going on. That's funny to hear maybe coming from someone who was thinking of not living anymore a month or so ago. But it is not, I want to live and that is why I am still around. 

Well anyway, that's all I wanted to post. I still have a concern with this, but it's not as huge as it was before I got results back. I am off the rest of the week... well I do have to stop at work on Friday to check the tape back-up system, but that is minor. Have a awesome Turkey Day and Rock On!

Sunday November 18th: Another weekend is over and the week starts again in a few short hours. Lucky for me, it's a short week. I work two days at the USGS and 3 hours on Wednesday at LB. And I will have the boys most of the day on Wednesday, so we can have a small Thanksgiving between the three of us. It won't be much, but it will hopefully be nice. I can hope that it is at least. T will also be up on Wednesday while I am at LB working away. I will leave him a key to the apartment and have him waiting here when I get home if all goes well. This summer he may spend more days here. When his room mates have family staying at the his place, they kind of drive him crazy. So I told him he is welcome to stay here anytime he wants to. Plus it would give me company during the summer.

So what happened this weekend. Actually it was kind of a quite weekend for most of it. T came down Friday night. He didn't get here until I think it was around 8 or so. He had gone out to supper with his room mates and ate Mexican food. I had planed on fixing Mexican food, but instead since he was going out, I ate a chicken patty sandwich and cottage cheese. I was kind of tired by the time he got here, and I actually could have been in bed by 9 or 9:30. I instead went upstairs and checked email and T followed me up here. It wasn't long before he was almost asleep on the spare hard bed. I think it was about 10 when we both decided to say enough and crawl into bed. He started out wanting to sleep and I was now wide awake. Were as when he got here, he was wide awake and I was falling asleep. Needless to say it was 1:00 am before either of us went to sleep. I think I could have stayed up for a few more hours at that time. But like T, I knew that Saturday morning was just around the corner and both of us would be dead tired, so we closed our eyes and before you know it, it was 9 am. 

After cleaning up, we headed to Mimi's for breakfast and both of us had steak and eggs. That was one good steak I might say. It was 12 by the time we finished and walked out of the restaurant. We started talking of cloths for me to hike in, as I don't have many that are really suitable to hike in and stay warm in. So we drove the few hundred yards to LB and looked around and I tried on some cloths for about an hour. We talked of going into Old Navy and looking, but it was 1 by the time we left LB. He headed back to my place and gathered up out camera's and stuff for our hike. We made a quick stop for water and something to drink to were we were going to hike. We had decided to stay a little closer and found our selves at Crosier Mountain. The place is about 50 yards from the turn off to get to Dunraven. We got to the trail and it was rated as being 2 miles and very difficult. I can see why from the 1st 1/2 mile of the trail. T had brought his snow/hiking poles for us to use and it was a good thing he did. That 1st 1/2 mile was pretty snowy and very steep. I was pooped after about 400 yards or so and had to learn to pace myself and take longer strides and swing my body more, or use my shoulders more. I was glad I ate a steak for brunch as I really needed the protein that I was needing for this hike. The 1st mile of this trail had over a dozen or more switch backs and some of the views were wonderful. While it did not have a stream next to it, you could look almost all the way down the North Fork of the Big Thompson to Drake. The rest of the last mile of the hike wasn't bad and had some pretty Aspen groves to look down on and walk through. Next fall, we will have to remember this spot and hike it. On the way up we had a mountain biker pass us going down. We could see that he hadn't gone up this way and it would be hard to go up it with it's steep climb and switch backs. This trail connects with two other trails to make a loop or almost a figure 8. Once on top of the mountain we saw 3 other people and their unleashed dogs. Both dogs were quit large and very aggressive acting. These people are suppose to have their dogs leashed while on trails or at least tether them when others are around. T and I reached the top of the trail and mountain just as the sun was starting to set. We moved off of the trail about a hundred yards or maybe less and stood on top of this rock and watched the sun start setting. I must say and T had to agree that it was very romantic and very beautiful, watching the sun set behind snow covered mountains and clouds. With the sun starting to go away and take our light, we needed to head back to the pick-up. It took us 2 hours to go those 2 miles up and 1 to go back down. It was dark for about the last mile of the hike back and I lead the way. I have fairly good night vision even though my eyesight isn't 20/20 even with contacts in. By the time we got back to the pick-up we both needed to have a nature call. My toes were kind of hurting and the back of my legs were tight. Needless to say my lower back hurt too. The drive back to my place took about 30 minutes or a little more, and once home I made spaghetti for T. He really liked it and all of it vanished. I usually make to many noodles and I think this time I made too few. My mom had given me some fresh bread on Friday when I had gone over to take a broken chair to see if it could be fixed. So T and I ate some of that bread with our supper. Once supper was done and cleaned up (T washed my dishes as usual, you have to love him just for that, but I care for him for more than that) We headed up stairs and I lit candles in the bathroom and took a nice hot bubble bath. That was very relaxing and I needed it. While I did that, T, surfed on the PC. I was amazed that as soon as I was draining the tub, T was in the bathroom to dry my back off. WOW what a sweet heart I have. It was 10 when we crawled into bed and fell fast sleep. Once again I had dreams of being female or in transition. I do really remember one were my mom, brother, sister, and I all lived in Idaho. I can remember my mom in the dream had long hair and was very beautiful. I was hoping that I could look like her in the dream. The funny thing was this women did not look anything like my real mom, who I think is very beautiful too. This women had long hair and almost looked Native American. But my brother and sister looked the same as they do now. In another part of that dream my mom and I were going to a church social. I was in full female form  and very tall and slim and I must add very attractive. My mom in the dream came up to me and said that she had made arguments for me to sit next to this boy that I thought was really cute. Once I sat next to him he must have been about 17 or 18 and I was about the same age. As the dream went on, I found the young man to be obnoxious and self centered and wanted nothing to do with him and the dream ended. I was was totally realistic and crystal clear as can be. I only wish I looked like I did in this dream.

Once we got up this morning, my back was really hurting. I let the hot water run over it for a while and that seemed to help. T wanted to go to Schmidt's bakery for the German buffet breakfast. I wanted to look nice, so I took a while to get ready by curling my hair and making sure I looked good. We left the house at about 10 to 10 and got to eat right away, as it wasn't to busy yet. I think I ate to much and put back on all of the calories that I had burned off on Saturday's hike. T and I had talked of going shopping today, but once home, he wanted to just relax and cuddle. I on the other hand, wanted to get out of the apartment on a nice day like today. T won, as he made a good case of not getting to cuddle enough with me. He thought I was mad, but I wasn't, I just wanted to get out for a while and breath some fresh air and look around. T made a pot of some kind of mixed tea. It wasn't bad, but I don't think it is close to my favorite. Soon T was in his sweat pants and a T-shirt which I have never seen him in. I figured we would be in the house the rest of the day, So I put sweats on too and a halter top. We then opened up the hide-a-bed and laid on it and watched TV, and cuddled. At noon I started our supper of beef chili and at 4 I made brownies for desert. We had a nice relaxing day and it was nice to just relax and spend a quite day with T. 

T will be up Wednesday while I am at work which is nice. I will have the boys up to 4 pm and then I will get ready for work at LB and then come home to have T waiting for me. It will be nice to have him for Thanksgiving and Friday and possibly Saturday. I think he will go home Saturday night or Sunday morning. If he does, I am going to try and see if my boys will come over and spend the day doing what they want. Well it's almost ten and I think I will go to bed in a few minutes and read. For those who I don't ever talk to on the phone, I want to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. Mine will be nice and if all goes well, I may get to spend Christmas Eve at my moms with the rest of the family, but we will have to see. My mom talked of this when I stopped over Friday night. She doesn't want me to have to spend it alone, and I am grateful for that. I have agreed to dress down by wearing plain jeans, flats and a simple plain top and no make-up. I really hope this happens, other wise Christmas Eve will be a real downer for me. On one down note already, I usually read the boys "The Night Before Christmas" before they go to bed on Christmas Eve. I don't think it will happen this year unless Jean brings to book over to my moms, so I can read it to them. Well I am off to bed. Rock On and Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates it. I hope you have a wonderful one with your families and loved ones.

Wednesday November 15th: It's hard to believe that the week is almost up, but I am sure glad that it is. The week has gone by rather quickly, which is all to my liking. The weekends can never get here to fast, but they sure do get over to fast. It is funny too, that the older we get the faster time seems to move. It seems like yesterday that I moved out of my moms place, into my apartment and be on my own. But then again, it seems a life time since I have been in my old house with Jean and the boys., I have to admit, I really miss those days. But there is no going back to them even if I wanted to. In a way I wish I could, but in others I know that I would just have to deal with my inner conflicts and be pulled apart yet again. There is no going back to the old way of life. The old way of life felt wrong. I tried to explain to the boys tonight what it is like to deal with this, and they still do not or cannot grasp onto it. I said imagine that you are right handed and you always have to use your left hand to do everything and how hard it is. In time you get that left hand trained to do everything and I do mean everything. But in many ways using it still feels wrong. Then one day you can start to use your right hand again. The right hand is now awkward and now takes a little time to get used to. In time though you forget how to use your left hand and the right is now the one you use. Using that left hand just never felt right and even though you got used to using it, you knew that it wasn't correct, and made you feel uncomfortable. Now that you use your right hand, you know that it was meant to be this way and you cannot go back to using the left hand, even if you wanted to. That left hand just doesn't feel right. Well sadly, they didn't like this explanation. Well anyway you get the point. I hope.

I had to go to a lab today after work. GAD I hate labs. I have had something come up of concern. I am not sure what it means and I mentioned only a piece of it in one of my last posts. A few weeks ago, I notice some blood were it shouldn't be, or I thought it was blood as it was dark brownish/reddish in color. The 1st time it scared the daylights out of me when I noticed it. Not to mention it wasn't the most pleasant feeling to be had. The 2nd time I noticed this discoloration, I really started to wonder what was up. About 2 weeks had past from the 1st time and the 2nd. Then early last week, I noticed it again, but this time I noticed more brown or reddish color. So I went to my Dr last Friday and I mentioned this all to him and explained that it wasn't normal on any of my other TS friends. Needless to say I had to have the old male rectal check done (GOD I hate those things). The Dr said everything felt fine, BUT he wanted me to get tests done. I was fully OK with that as I am all about wanting to know what was up. So after work today, I drove to the lab that my insurance uses. Once again I "HATE" labs. When it comes to getting blood out of me, it's like squeezing water out of a rock, it isn't the easiest thing to do. Very rarely can someone drawing blood hit the spot the 1st time or better yet hit it with out digging around for it. I can only think of three times ever that someone did it on the 1st go. Once was at my old Dr's just last year. That guy was good at getting it out of me and fast. The other was this year with my 1st check on my hormone levels (Different lab that my old Dr and the one I used today) and the other was at a health fair where Bonfils Blood was doing the blood drays. That lady was awesome too. Well anyway back to my ordeal. This young girl today had me push up my sleeve and then wrapped her giant rubber band around my arm and tied it. This thing was so tight, that my arm welt like it was going to be cut off and that alone hurt. She felt around on inner elbow for about 3 minutes. I warned her that it was not easy and she said something  like "O I found it, it's just rolling a bit"! She stuck in the needle and what? No blood. She then had to start digging for it, FUCK THAT HURTS. I had to look away and close my eyes so I wouldn't freak out. Not to mention her little tourniquet was taking my arm off. After she dug for about a minute and kept pulling that needle in and out, I said why don't we try the other arm and she agreed. So here we went again. This time the left arm. Now let me say that she asked if I had any problems with blood draws or needles. I have never had an issue with the exception of when I gave myself my 1st shot of hormones. That time hurt and about made me pass out. All other times I do not have an issue. I even told the girl this that I give myself shots every two weeks, so I don't have an issue. So onto the next arm. I could only hope that this one went smooth. Lucky me... it did. The other thing about that lab that I want to say is this. I got to the lab at 4:15 PM. There was 2 others waiting in the waiting room before me. I waited until almost 5 to be seen. I had about half a dozen other patients come in after me and all of them were done and out before I was even seen. Man that perturbs me. I guess if that had an appointment it would be OK, but from the conversations I heard that was not the case. Most were there for random drug screens. Well anyway, now I wait on my blood tests. 

I was totally surprised that just as I was pulling into the labs, D2 called and wanted to come over. He want to game, which I will say I was not wanting to do. I was wanting to relax and make some Hot and Sour soup for my supper. So after talking to him I said maybe after I did my lab appointment and visited the store. He was OK with eating the soup too. After the lab work I hit the store and picked up things for turkey day and other meals like milk and filled my new anti-depressant which I am depressed about, because I cannot seem to get depressed about it... WHAT? While I was in the store D2 called again and I told him I would be home late. Once out of the store T called me and we chatted as I drove home (Dumb bimbo talking on her cell while driving LOL) We chatted for about the 10 or 15 minutes it took me to get home. I then hung up with the agreement that I would call back after I got home. Once all my items were in, I called the boys and said come over at 7. I then called T back and chatted for a bit. He is really wanting me to spend time with my kids, which is nice. But I want to spend time with him. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be or see my kids as long as they didn't argue with me. I didn't have to entertain them all of the time, and they could let me have some of my freedoms of being who I am and get out of the apartment if we needed to. I got stuff put away and at 7 the boys showed up. I made plans to have them all day on the day before Thanksgiving, which could be nice. Both boys were up for the Hot and Sour soup and both helped make it. with a little arguing of how I wanted things done and how Chef D1 wanted them done. I explained that my kitchen is just that, MINE, If this was Hell's kitchen who would be in charge. I also said once he went to cooking/culinary art school, he could cook as he wanted to, but until then, I made the rules. Once supper was done and we cleaned up a double batch with none left. We toyed around with gaming. We didn't get to play, but we prepared for it for next Wednesday. When Jean called at 9 we chatted about Thanksgiving and if I would be fixing a meal for the boys. I said yes as they both want Cordon Blue, wild rice and a Béarnaise sauce I make. Then I told her that T would be up and I was going to bake a chicken for he and I. We also talked about Christmas day. While she will be going to my moms on Christmas Eve which is the tradition, I will be at home, (Damn I'm going to miss the prime rib supper). She offered to let me have the boys for a few hours on Christmas day which is nice. She doesn't want me alone, and I appreciate her offer and this could make Christmas a little more bearably to go through.

So I think T will come up on Friday or Saturday. I hope Friday. Next week is a short week for me and I am looking forward to it. I can only hope that it is a good weekend this week and next. Well I am off to bed. It's late and I am tired. Rock On!

Sunday November 12th: Three days off, Boy that went way to fast. Working for the government has some perks and getting many days off for holiday's is one of them. Even though I am a contractor, it's cool to get those days off paid. The next one off is of course is turkey day. I am still not sure of the plan. I don't think the cabin thing is though, actually I'm about 100% that it's not going to happen. I had been invited to a friends house, which was cool, but I may just stay home and bake a chicken. I am pretty sure I won't have any other choices, but who knows. T plans on coming up and spending those days with me, which is nice.

Well the weekend went so fast in some parts and in others it dragged. On Friday, I had a Dr appointment with my family Dr to discuss my anti-depressant. He changed me to Wellbutrin of 150mg a day to be taken in the morning. I just want to start feeling better about everything and stop being so blue or down all of the time. Not to mention not wanting to carry on anymore. When I get those thoughts, it scares me and I know it scare others. Personally I hate that feeling and try to avoid it, but it is hard not to when everything seems to being from bad to worse or from wrong to impossible. When your down, it's hard to get to your feet again, to drag yourself to the oasis you know exists. I also had some other things to talk to my Dr about that were concerns of mine. He checked my prostate and even though it looks good, I have to go in for a PSA (Prostate screening) some time after work this week. 

After the Dr visit, I meet my friend CeCe in Loveland, and we headed down to Broomfield, to the Flatirons mall. I got there at about 10:30 and had a pretty good day. While I was there I stopped in to see Cathy and Stella at LB in the Flatirons mall. Kathy had managed the Ft Collins store and I got to know her pretty well. In fact she wanted to hire me for the Ft Collins store, but had no openings. Stella I met when our store opened. She is fun to talk to as she has a great English accent. Cathy mentioned that she wished I was in Broomfield, as she could put me to work with a lot of hours there. But I don't plan on going to Broomfield just to do that. If I lived there, I would jump all over it. Or if I didn't have my main job, I would jump at it, and then see about relocating to Broomfield if the need was there. CeCe and I left the mall at about 4:00 and had nice chat all the way there and back again. Once back in Loveland, we stopped in at my LB store so I could gather up my check. I chatted a bit with my manager and assistant manager, Amy and Joelle and a couple of the other girls. It was about 5:30 and the boys were to come over. They called just as we were pulling out of the LB parking and I said it would be 6 before I was home and ready for them to come over. Once home, I cleaned up and put on sweats and a t-shirt. I think the boys were there at just about 6. We ordered two pizza's and at all but 6 pieces between the two. WOW I was starving. The pizza didn't hit the spot for me, but it was good. We started to play a little D&D but I was so tired, I was soon talking away in my sleep and confusing the boys and myself. We stopped playing and left everything setup for Saturday, so that when they came over, we could continue with our game. D2 got on my PC and played a little NWN2 (Neverwinter Nights 2) and I dozed off on the spare bed. D1 then asked me to tickle him like old times, so I did. While we had our moments, I was happy to see them. Not to mention D2 brought over his clarinet, and played me many songs on it. I am proud of him, that he can read music, as I cannot. I also had to give D1 a big high five as he made honor roll at school. It's funny that he struggled all through elementary and now that he is in Jr. High, he is doing so well. But as he said, my choice in left didn't not mess him up, it just made him stronger and want to succeed. AT 9, the boys went home but would be back over at 8:30 Saturday morning. I drank a wine cooler and was out like a light at 10. I had 1 dream that I have only vague images of, and that was of me in female mode. I am starting to have dreams now, that this is how I see myself, were as up until just recently, all of the dreams I remember, I was very much my old male self. 

I tried to sleep in until 8:00 on Saturday morning, and took a quick shower. Lucky for me, I could just comb hair and toss on sweats and a t-shirt again. When the boys got there, I asked if they wanted breakfast and both of them said no. I started to make an omelet, and D1 wanted to help. Once he saw that I was having an omelet, he wanted on too. He cracked the eggs, and wanted salami in his with cheese. Mine ended up with turkey, mushrooms, red onions, tomatoes, and lots of cheese. I then put picante sauce on mine, and I think I could have ate another, I was so hungry. After  I cleaned up the mess, D2 played on the PC until about 10. Once I got him off of the PC, we played some more on the D&D game we started. I think they had fun as I just made stuff up as I went. At noon we stopped to eat left over pizza, as that is what they each wanted. And then finished up our little game. I then let D1 on the PC for a bit, as D2 and I hung out and then watched some music videos. I wish I had a football around, as I said we could go toss it around outside for a bit, if I did. During both days I asked the boys some questions about their influences. I asked if their opinions on me were their own, or influenced by others. The answer I got was BOTH, which is just what I thought was happening. Instead of getting neutral influence., or even some positive, I think the influence that they are getting, tends to be more negative, and that hurts our relationship. They did ask questions about T and about how I voted on some issues. I was open about things and both boys found out that I was not only the one in their life, who has not been totally 100% honest to them. Their are things that they asked that I needed to be honest on, that they were totally unaware of, but I let them know that these things were of no big or major concern, and that they were OK. I did not want them upset at others that they love and in their lives, over stupid little things that do not matter. The boys both left at 3, and I was all alone in my apartment. T had called and said he would not be down, as he had much to do. This put me in a down mood, even before the boys left, but I did not let it bother me and their time together.

Once the boys were gone, I started to do a pretty good clean on my apartment. I did a total clean of the bathroom, including scrubbing the tub, and mopping the floor. Once that was done, I moved on to vacuuming the whole place and then mopped the kitchen floor. I even dusted a lot of spots. T called me at about 5 and then said he would call back latter. I was still down, and when he called back , he sensed it in my voice and my lack of chattiness. I think we hung up at about 7 as I was starving and wanted to eat Mexican food. SO I put on jeans and a top and little to no make-up and drove to Berthoud, to eat at a Mexican place that we used to visit before my divorce. I had an Indian Taco, with 50/50 green chili that just didn't hit the spot. I then stopped to pick up bread at the store and then headed home. On the way my ex called, and I think it was an OK chat about things that the boys had said, that got mis construed and mixed up. I cleared things up, or at least I hope I did. A lot of it hinged on T and then my ex started to cry about things, which made me cry some too. I was back in my house by 8:30 and I sat down to play a little NWN2 myself. I am not sure at what time I stopped playing, as I then went downstairs, and turned on the TV and flipped between channels of Star trek and NFL Cheerleader Challenge. Both were fun to watch, and I only wish I could look like one of those tiny little NFL cheerleaders. Or even be one. I had always loved the Cowboys cheerleaders and even dreamed that I was one, or could be one had I been born female. Yeah weird I know.  I went to bed at about 1:00 or 1:30 and then read for a bit. I am reading a cool book called "Under the Black Flag". It's about pirates and is very fun to read about the lifestyles and pirate histories. 

T woke me up this morning at 9 telling me he was on his way. I could barely answer the phone as my arms had both fallen asleep on me. I laid in bed about 5 more minutes, and then took a shower and cleaned up and got dressed. I then cleaned up the PC/Spare bedroom of some of it's mess and waited for T to show. He got to my place at just about the time I was finishing my make-up. Once I was done, we headed out the door to Mimi's restaurant were T had pancakes and I had a breakfast burrito. Once again it didn't hit my need of Mexican food spot. I think there is Mexican food calling me this week for lunch. Once out of Mimi's we headed to Ft Collins to get our prints from Kinko's that should have been done last Sunday but because of creases in the pictures, they looked awful. Then I called them on Thursday to see if they were done, and they had misplaced my CD that I had dropped off again so they could reprint them. So as we got there today, the girl could not find them, which really made me upset. She looked high and low and just could not locate them or my CD. I kind of got angry about it all and how they had messed things up. She said that they would deliver them to me and I said I hope there is a discount as they should have one. She said that the would be free. Both pictures are about $30.00 each, So I really hope that the hold to their word on this and deliver and make them free. I was really down about all of this, as this is just the way my life tends to go. We stopped at Wal-Mart and I picked up some laundry soup and T wanted a Teapot and big glass drinking glasses. So I picked up that too. A nice pot of hot teas sounds pretty good sometimes and heating it in the microwave, just doesn't get it hot enough sometimes. Once the tea was made and cooling down a bit, I showed T the pictures from last weeks hike. He liked them, but I wasn't that happy with them. See the perfectionist in me is out and about. After this we relaxed and cuddled and talked and I almost fell asleep. I think we cuddled for about 3 hours or more, and then at 5 , we went downstairs and I fixed a nice buffalo steak and potato's and broccoli with cheese for supper. Once that was done, T did the dishes and I dried as usual. We then spent the next two hours relaxing on the couch watching the history channel about Rome. At 8, T packed up and headed home. I found out more interesting information about T today. It brings into light why he is so comfortable around me. I am not sure it makes things more comfortable for me though. I still have things that bother me about myself and how everything is with my own